Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

The itch was so intense last night that I had actually scratched through my dressing 10/10 would NOT recommend an itch spell. It’s so uncomfortable but theres nothing i can do about it because the rash is underneath the dressing.

The nurses dressed the site with what’s called an IV3000 which is what the COH NP suggested, the annoying part was his suggestion. Ummm yea thanks captain you have an answer for everything, but maybe look at the damn photos before you open your mouth. It’s under the dressing bro….

The nurse who changed my dressing seems to think it’s the clip that I’m allergic to, which unfortunately nothing can be done since it’s the clip.

It looks different than the picc I had in the hospital.

Another conversation with J the NP from COH. He said Dr P okayed the picc removal that for transplant I will need to have a new one inserted which is fine by me. I have a 2:30 appointment to get it removed.

I’ve been at this facility a few times but always with J so I never focused on pushing the elevator button. I noticed today that the 4th Floor button doesn’t exist. When I got in it made me giggle a little. After I got to the waiting area and into the procedure room someone was going to “ring the bell” to symbolize they were on the final day of their chemo. I didn’t ring the bell when I left the hospital because I still had cancer, I didn’t ring the bell on 7/11 because it’s not certain if this is my final round or not as transplant is still “tentative”. But I will ring the bell.

If it’s not at the hospital, I going to have my beach party and will be ringing that bell. I’ll buy myself a damn bell if I have to lol.

The picc was removed, so there is a lot more relief now. I’m grateful to have the relief, and grateful that Dr P reconsidered his view and I get to have some bit of a break but will not be doing any hydration now.

Tomorrow is another swim meet, it’ll be another early morning. It’s slated to be another hot one, but will be tucking into the “palace” with M at the swim meet. Her “palace” tent makes it at least 10 degrees cooler. I used to run around at these swim meets like a crazy person helping with timers, card sorters…concessions. I learned last year that it wasn’t the right use of my time. Now I sit and relax with M and we enjoy some snacks and some quiet time together. Just the way it should be.

Cancer slows down time. It gives you the ability to focus and because you feel like trash…it really forces you to choose how you spend that “time capital” – and I don’t have much of that capital to spend. I don’t have the energy to be fake so maintaining fake friendships are no longer on my radar. I don’t have the energy to spend on activities that do not bring me joy. Don’t get me wrong, laundry doesn’t bring me joy…but it needs to be done. I mean volunteering my time and energy to activities that leave me sad or frustrated. Nope, I’m good.

I appreciate the people who reach out to me from work (they are few but when they do, I am full of gratitude). To those from work that haven’t reached out ever…I’m also grateful. I am extremely grateful for their silence, as it is invaluable! It teaches me how unbelievably insignificant I am to them. Had I not had their silence, I may still foolishly think these relationships were worthy.

Being full of gratitude for every situation, good and bad…gives me a new perspective. Every step of this cancer has given me a better perspective. Better understanding of my choices, my values, what is real and what is fake, what is worthy of my time and what is not.