Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

7/5 Having a picc line in my dominant arm has been quite an ordeal. I struggled dressing myself this morning before my walk and struggled doing my glucose test with my left hand. I passed out last night out of sheer exhaustion versus peaceful slumber, as I found myself in capable of getting comfortable in bed as I sleep on my right side. Having this line and my dominant arm renders me useless and I’m trying to find the gratitude this morning. All I see is what I’m struggling to do the dishes and laundry. All I see is what I fail to be good at with my non-dominant arm like brushing my teeth. I am trying to frame the words, “but” with “and” – I am struggling with this central line in my dominant arm, and I am learning how to use my non-dominant arm.

It doesn’t sound genuine at all. I’m trying to fake it to make it.

7/6 It doesn’t sound genuine, because I feel like absolute trash. I haven’t had much sleep in the last two days. And I’ve been struggling to find any position that allows some comfort with pain like 1000 little Paper-cuts.

I didn’t walk this morning. J left this morning at 4:30am and I was up but not enough to leave the bed at 7:30am. I woke up again to look at the clock, and still not motivated to leave the bed until 10:00am. I only had enough in my cup to do a load of dishes, and I’m back in the twilight slumber. It’s a total mindf*ck. By the last two weeks of the month you start feeling good and gaining strength. You start thinking that you’re back to normal and you act. Accordingly I was walking upwards of 4 miles a day and feeling really good about myself, then the next round of chemo comes. I didn’t feel it at Round 2 until the 10th day, at Round 3 by the 5th day, I was feeling like trash. Now Round 4…2nd day. Technically, I am in remission, so wouldn’t that mean I’m a healthy person? Wouldn’t that mean that a healthy person is getting chemo? Maybe it’s not as simple as that. Maybe that just sounds like what I want to hear versus what reality is.