Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Yesterday was dedicated to the children’s swimming meet. I stepped back from being over extended to the swim team not only because it didn’t serve me but also because I physically don’t have the energy. We got up early and was at the pool by 6:45am by the time it ended at 1:45pm I was mentally and physically done. My body ached and I was freezing even though it was around 80 degrees. This bitter cold is a constant but there times where it becomes near unbearable. I have been using hand-warmers to soothe the aches but of course I didn’t bring them to the pool. D and I texted at the same time when the swim meet ended both seeking food. It was nice to spend the late afternoon with her catching up and missing our matcha tea. Later that night M and I went on an evening walk which was good because I didn’t walk on Saturday until the evening. I downloaded an app to help me keep track of how far I have walked. As Atomic Habits stated: small, easy, repeatable habits that are enjoyable. I do enjoy the walks as well as the cool air – I do get annoyed at the flying bugs that love my face. Like mother nature, I have chemo coursing through my body wouldn’t you steer clear of me?

By the time I got home after the evening walk I was absolutely exhausted. My cup was not only empty it was bone dry. I don’t like getting myself that exhausted and always try to retain some sort of power but after getting up early for the swim meet and there was nothing left.

I got up this morning at 7:30am and headed out for my walk. I headed to the little lake for a solid 2 hour walk where I realized, I need a new Spotify playlist. I need something fun and upbeat for my walks. I want to get my energy up during these walks. These walks have been great for me to enjoy music as well as keeping myself healthy. But mostly it re-affirms my desire to make showing up for myself a habit. At 9:30am K messaged me that she would be picking me up for dim sum, that has always been my favorite brunch. Nothing strikes me with as much nostalgia as dim sum, pu-erh team with chrysanthemum tea, shu mai, pan fried buns, taro wrapped pork dumplings, turnip cake, chicken feet – yea i said it, and the oyster sauce! The buzz of the restaurant, the advertising of what is on the carts and the clinging and clanging of chopsticks and tongs on the dim sum dishes. I remember going with friends and eating relatively inexpensively. I remember friends watching me eat chicken feet in horror -they are amazing. To this day J still looks at me in horror when I snack on chicken feet. He reminds me that I need to eat my steak WELL WELL done (double dead) and slathered in A1 sauce. He won’t look at me while I eat steak. In fact when we go to shabu, M and F already know I drop my meat in with the broth and let it cook for at least 20 minutes before it’s eaten. M is normally triggered when I leave it in the broth…reminding me every few minutes with “Um…it’s already did. The meat is very very dead. You can stop killing it.” As she wafts her meat in the broth to the spoken words “shabu shabu” and eats it. I die a little each time but secretly laugh so hard internally. I very much miss our quadruple dates, we used to get together on Wednesdays at the Shabu place 8 parents, 8 kids – parents would eat and have adult conversation while the kids…well they were feral. We got a monthly mental break which was so very much needed.

K picked me up for dim sum, I haven’t seen her in quite some time, and she is now super super pregnant. 37 weeks already – I couldn’t believe how long it’s been since I have seen her. I talk to her belly and wave to her little baby but never touch her stomach. I remember being pregnant with the children and never liking how people would physically touch my stomach. I always thought it was weird to just touch me without permission so I never touch her, just wave to the belly. She’s on maternity leave soon which I’m very excited about for her to have. I never had it, with either child. In fact, my boss didn’t even know I was pregnant or had a baby…or the second baby. I hid my pregnancy and children from my former boss. Crazy when I think back at it but I was scared. I was scared that she would fire me. Illegal or not, you can get fired for anything. I certainly was not secure that I would have a future at my work if I was honest about my pregnancy or subsequent delivery. I gave birth to L on a Sunday and went back to work on Monday. S was a schedule c-section so I had her on a Tuesday and took 3 days off for “vacation” and went back to work on Monday.

A had her baby 6 months before I had L. She would be her baby boy to my house and watch and care for L with her son T while I worked. She would change L’s diapers, help me figure out pumping, cutting L’s nails, tips on changing diapers and would bring me clothes that T didn’t fit into anymore. She taught me what creams to use to diaper rashes, would bring me extra leftovers and make me the most amazing beef stews that to this day I chase after that flavor. Without her I wouldn’t have been able to navigate postpartum without her. I’ll never forget our first Halloween her son was a dragon and L was a monkey. We carved pumpkins and handed out candy while watching the Giants on TV. She was my shaman in those early days and I’ll never forget her. I don’t however know what happened in our friendship. We just stopped talking, or rather she just stopped talking to me. I don’t know to this day what happened to end the friendship. Though I don’t dwell on it often, I can’t go back into thinking about L as a baby with out A. A and her husband D were the first people in the hospital to see and meet L, in fact they were the first two people who held L. A was pivotal to how I navigated motherhood, and I will forever be grateful to her – even if she’s done with our friendship. Sometimes it’s hard to go back into the memories and wonder about those friendship that have no closure, wonder about the people who were in your life once upon a time ago. Am I the only one that goes back there and wonder….what happened? Weren’t we friends? I messaged her a year or so after having S to tell her that whatever it was that I did to hard her or where she felt slighted by me, that I was sorry. But there was no response and as such I let it go. When we parted ways I hired a full time mommy helper while I worked and after two years she moved back to Pennsylvania. Oh the medication is hitting me hard tonight. I’ll have to complete my thoughts tomorrow.