Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

The sun punked me this morning, I woke up much earlier than I wanted and couldn’t fall back asleep. These days the only alarm I have is my water alarm, and even that I sometimes pause. I headed out at 6:30 am for my walk and finally finished “Atomic Behaviors”. I’ll be honest, it took me the whole three weeks…and because I spaced it so side apart I don’t think I fully grasped the book or it was chemo brain. The sun and I played a game of hide and seek, and I started to rush home when the sun was peaking through and cut my walk to an hour. The next moment I got home, cloudy…seriously? Then I decide I’ll go back out for a walk since it was only 7:45am…sunny. I sit back down…cloudy. Oh hell no! I’m done playing game. You do you sun. You do you. I dug around for breakfast and ate the remaining Chobani yogurt. Speaking of breakfast, I want to have overnight oats in the morning so I have to remember to prep this before bed. Around 9:30am I was going to be a hero, actually I asked if the children wanted to go with me to the store…but both wanted to take advantage of YouTube Fridays. It might seem weird that I ask the children instead of telling them we’re going to the store and it goes back to when L was 1.

Our friend’s son turned 1 and we attended his birthday party with L. By the time we got home it was already dark. J and I did not want to cook so we decided to get Wendy’s. J asked if L wanted to go on a car ride but he shook his head and pointed to Mickey on the TV. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to watch TV. J asked him again, “Are you sure you don’t want to go on a car ride with Papa?” He shook his head again and pointed at Mickey. So J got in the car and went to Wendy’s. I start on the dishes and J calls me. “I forgot my wallet, I’m on my way home.” I laughed at him and said okay. Two minutes later J calls me again. “I just got into a car accident. I got t-boned by another car that ran a red.” Immediately, I call a neighbor to watch L and raced to J. The car was totaled. The impact site was where L’s car set was. Seeing the crumpled door and L’s car seat I damn near lost my sh*t. I called J’s friend T at the local PD and told him about the accident. He met us there to make sure every i and t were dotted and crossed. After that car accident, we both vowed to let the children choose. If they didn’t want to go in the car with us, we wouldn’t force them. Now obviously if we were all going out, even if the kids didn’t want to – we’d go. But if it was trivial, we wouldn’t force them. The image of the door crumpled on to L’s car seat is vividly in my head.

So when I asked today if anyone wanted to go to the store with me and they both said so, I let it be. I headed to the grocery store and decided I was not going to use the motorized cart. I am walking up to 2 miles now, slow but I’m walking. Yes I have the walker, but I have the shopping cart to stabilize me. How hard can it be? Total miscalculation. Pushing the cart empty wasn’t bad. Pushing the cart with a carton of blueberries. Not bad. I got this sh*t. Then I added grapes, cherries…bag of cuties…avocados…rotisserie chicken and then a watermelon. Now the shopping cart was getting really difficult to push. I totally miscalculated how heavy and difficult this shopping cart was for me to push. My heart rate is at 125 bpm – the f*ck? I can’t push a damn shopping cart? Seriously? I huffed and puffed through the frozen aisle – looking for the frozen cauliflower mashed potatoes and after three passes of the aisle I gave up. I was out of breath and light headed. Pushing a damn a*s cart. The lady bagging my groceries asked if I needed help to my car. Without thinking I said “Nope, I’m all set thanks.” F*ck, this is going to be heavy as sh*t again. “On second thought, I would appreciate it immensely.” My pride was hurt. I am frustrated at myself. I hate those stupid motorized shopping carts. Note: The ones at Whole Foods do not beep when you go backwards. J and I discovered that on one of our shopping trips taking advantage of the Friday Oyster Sale. He loves to trolls me and always tells me to go backwards on the cart so it beeps. For some reason this brings him joy…those are the moments where slitting his carotid artery crosses my mind…a lot. And of course it cracks the kids up, beep beep beep…but that’s just mild annoyance and truly I just think they both have lost their minds when they hysterically laugh at the beep beep beeping.

I was very grateful she helped me to my car and loaded my groceries in the trunk. I was also grateful that I parked in Disabled Parking. I sat in the car with the AC on high and took a few moments to catch my breath before I drove home. I called the kids to ask them to please come out side and unload the car for me. They both ooooohed and aaaahhhed at the fruit I bought. As my butt hit the couch I heard, “Mama are you gonna cut the watermelon now?” I look over at her with a semi annoyed look wondering why she waited for me to sit down to ask. “I’ll cut it, get me a bowl please.”

I took all the meat off the rotisserie chicken for chicken enchiladas as the doggo sat looking at me waiting for scraps. It was just the two of us again, kids were off to play with their friends. Doggo and I finished the dishes and laundry then sat back down on the couch for a nap. I woke up with the kids calling that they were on their way home. I reminded L that the SF Giants game was on TV tonight so he needed to walk the doggo when he finished dinner. I retreated upstairs while they watched the game and prepared for the swim meet tomorrow. No event parking signs. Check. Wristbands. Check. Sunscreen. Check. Spam Musubi. Check. I’m not paying $3 for a spam musubi when I can make 8 of them for $3. If I forget anything, the kids or J can zip home and get it. I don’t foresee this being a big production. This year I have zero intentions of providing sweat equity that requires that I run around the pool like a crazy chicken. I will be sitting in M’s palace with my 6 fans, napping or reading my book. I’ll try my best to watch the kids when they swim but if it’s too crowded I’ll call J and we will FaceTime while he stand by the pool.

No introspection tonight except that I was humbled by the shopping cart today. Humbled by simple tasks that are no longer “simple” to me. Humbled by how when I feel good, it’s a sliding scale of good, I feel good for my current state but not good on a normal scale. I feel good but my body hurts. I feel good but my bones are a bitter cold even though I have a jacket and socks on and it’s 82 degrees out. I feel good but the smell of pizza is making me very nauseous. I feel rested but I could sleep for another 10 hours. I feel strong but I need a few more naps to make it through the day. I feel happy, but am also deeply sad and depressed. I’m home and present but the kids aren’t around. I walked two miles but it took me an hour. It’s a sliding scale and it bums me out.

I want to change the “but” to “and” before I end this post. Because I just re-read what I wrote and it lacks gratitude. Without gratitude I easily slip into Baba Yaga’s words. So I’m going to catch myself in this spiral of negativity.

I feel good and I’ve got a jacket and socks on to keep me warmer. I feel good and have food available when my nausea subsides. I feel rested and I have a comfortable bed and blankets for another nap. I feel strong and got the rest my body needed. I feel happy and grateful that I am alive. I’m home and when the children come home they will have my full attention. I walked two miles and I showed up for myself. It’s a sliding scale and tomorrow in another day!