Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

There was a quote I heard a lifetime ago. “We all have our time machines. Those that take us back are memories. Those that carry us forward are dreams.” There are some songs that instantly transport me back to a moment in time and today it was a string of songs. I started with Lay Me Down by Sam Smith and I told J that it reminded me of Boyz II Men’s “On Bended Knee” and that flowed right into “I’ll Make Love To you” which brought me to a multi-family trip to a lake house during the days before Airbnb. The adults would do their adult things, and the kids would be forced into awkward interactions. On the first day the kids would all scatter into their own space and desperately be away from each other. We’d be on our Walkmans or playing Solitaire though my card game of choice was Spit or Slap Spit. Towards the second night the kids would be so bored that we’d start hanging out with each other, the younger ones would play hide and seek as the older ones were one upping each other on how much cooler we each were. On one of those trips I was introduced to the the scandalous song! He was a Freshman in High School already, and here I was in 7th grade…listening to Boyz II Men and “I’ll Make Love To You”…I was embarrassed as all hell as guy was having me listen to this song on his Walkman. I couldn’t find a hole fast enough to hide. Of course I had to act all cool, like yea I know what is going on and what they are singing about. I had ZERO idea. Talk about sheltered. I think back and laugh at myself.

When I hear Mariah Carey and Brian McKnight’s song “Whenever You Call” and I can feel the exact heart break of knowing my summer with him was coming to an end. He was going off to college and I was still needing to finish my Senior year in High School. I flash back to that summer before he left. I flash back to being picked up after SAT Prep classes and feeling the wind and sun on my face as we cruised in the car. I flash back to the last kiss the night before he was off on his adventure without me. Everything was going to change from that moment. All my fears of being left behind and insecurities were agonizing.

When I hear Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” I flash back to saving all my babysitting money as well as odds and ends to buy S&M. I flash back to him telling me to turn around every 10-15 steps to make sure I’m not followed when I’m walking. I flash back to my 9 hour bus, train and bus ride to visit him at college the very first long weekend I had and the additional 3 hours I sat outside his dorm waiting for him to be finished with class.

When I hear Beyonce’s “Halo” I flash back to his voice on the phone telling me “I love you” and how genuine it was, how confident his “I love you” was and how I safe I was. I flash back to the windmills and how much I hated them because it meant I was headed to the airport again and would be away from him.

When I hear “Feels Like Home” I flash back to myself going up the escalator at the airport that October after I changed my flight to have one more day with him and telling myself not to turn around and look at him as I went up the escalator. Uncontrollably sobbing on the flight to the point where the flight attendant handed me wads of napkins.

When I hear “Whatcha Say” I flash back to the tollbooth operator that told us that we were meant to be randomly. I think about driving a night in his truck with the crisp wind blowing on me and watching him shift through the gears.

When I hear “Pumped Up Kicks” I flash back to running the light to get to the hospital at 1:00am because my water had already broken and the contractions were mind numbing. I thought to myself…Seriously this is the song that’s playing through my contractions? Pumped Up Kicks? The f*ck? But it was and yea… LOL

When I hear Yellowcard’s “Ocean Ave” I flash back to just about pooping myself as V and I turn on to Ocean Avenue wanting to look at the Amityville Horror House on Halloween at midnight. Great life choices!

I love that these songs teleport back to my memories. I love to fall asleep thinking about a happy memory and letting it carry me off to sleep. There are nights where my mind is completely blank and sometimes Baba Yaga comes out to talk to me. Blank isn’t always good. Blank sometimes can be crippling. I’m going to go brush my teeth and try to keep blank out of my head and put a song on that brings me to another time and space.