Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It was far too sunny to walk yesterday so I decided to ride the stationary bike only to come downstairs to J asking if I was ready to go. “Sure.” He decided we were going to go to the Farmers Market. We got cherries, basil and pizza dough. When we got home I got in the bike and pedaled, no matter how much or little movement I do – I am trying to show up. I’m not showing up for a bikini or showing up for this or that…I’m showing up for me. So no matter how much I do as long as I have shown up, I feel better. S had a pool invitation with friends and we were off for a quick pool afternoon – I realized that I was feeling sick around 4 and that I hadn’t eaten all day despite taking my chemo pills. It just slipped my mind which was not the smartest and the evening was made worse with nausea and body aches. It wasn’t a full sh*t show but it was close. J said that I was absolutely obnoxious to sleep next too – not only was I completely starfishing on his side of the bed, I was at a buffet nom nom noming. Needless to say he was not bright eyed this morning.

I woke up early and before the sun came out to be too much for me I got to walking. I listened to my audiobook and got to stepping then chatted with S. I haven’t chatted or caught up with her but she got engaged last month and I wanted to congratulate her and touch base. She has such an intense work travel schedule so I try not to text and bother her too much.

I didn’t walk fast but this was the most walking I have done since cancer. I am grateful that I was able to walk this far and grateful that I felt well enough to do so. It was quiet at 8:30am and crisp enough for me to be worried about not having a thicker jacket – I wanted to be a hero and walk without my walker. I made it but in hindsight, I should have had it just in case.

Fathers Day was quiet at the house and J watched golf. We went to the store for jalapeños for poppers – which is always a production. I have always been adverse to spice, I’m in the black pepper is too spicy category – at a work pot luck a colleague brought in his honey/brown sugar bacon poppers. I was very reluctant to try it and passed a few times then under peer pressure at a third pot luck – I tried it and surprisingly it wasn’t as spicy as I thought it would be and didn’t give me the farts. That’s my lovely stomach reaction to spices – stinky farts. So not only does it burn my mouth, I can clear a room. Nothing screams “Be my friend” like silent and deadly farts. In any case that’s what I made for Father’s Day after my very long walk this morning. It’s not a difficult recipe it there is a fair bit of sweat equity involved.

S has been on an absolute attitude train, she yelled at me because I was sitting in her “seat” at dinner. And argued to J that Father’s Day was boring because she had to stay home which she did in her room all day on her device instead of sitting with the family. I probably should have taken away her device and forced her to sit in the living room or engage with us. I know we couldn’t have gone out for a hike or done very active things together. I realize that I am limited on fast or how far I go and how that must suck for a little kid. I hate that about what this cancer takes away not only from me but from the kids. We could have gone in a bike ride to the ocean or maybe even just in the trails. But that would mean J would have to leave me alone at home which he doesn’t want to do. As it is my legs have been hurting me all day. I have been rubbing my legs and feet to relieve the pain. I can’t complain because I chose to walk today, this was my own doing. The weather was beautiful this morning, cool and cloudy – we could have been outside doing something but because of me we did nothing. I am frustrated that I have essentially imprisoned everyone in this family. They go out separately without me or are stuck with me. J went to Costco because taking me is an entire process of waiting for me to keep up. Kids go biking alone or together because I can’t keep up. Besides chemo / doctors appointments and occasionally J will take me to the grocery store – there’s really no place for me to go. My outside time are my morning walks. It really does sound like prison.