Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I am grateful for a do-over birthday with S. I had to cancel and reschedule because I was undergoing my first round of chemo at the time. Auntie K took her for a day out which was wonderful and today we got to cash in on our rain check.

As we dined on the array of tasty treats, I watched her enjoy. We chatted and ate. There was a row of five other moms and their little girls. I found it slightly comical. I helped the mom next to me capture photos of her and her daughter as she did the same for me. During our tea we chatted briefly, she asked me if I’d care to join her for a mimosa and I politely thanked her but pointed to my head cap and said no. She teared up and said she was scared herself as she was gearing for a double mastectomy. When S went to the bathroom, she asked me what type of cancer I had. She welled up again when I told her it was leukemia. She asked me how I found out and I gave her a brief overview of how it all happened for me. She teared again and said she was very scared. I told her it was okay to be scared, okay to doubt, okay to cry and feel everything but then there is no other choice. The alternative is death. So there is no other choice-you have to keep moving forward.

Those words were my mantra during my first go around – “What choice do I have? the alternative is death.” When you put it in that perspective there nothing much but to keep pushing forward. After afternoon tea we headed home for a break as my stomach wasn’t doing well. We rested for a moment then J took me to blood. Everyone knows me. Everyone says hi to me. It’s like f*cking Cheers! Where everyone knows my f*cking name! I whispered to J – chemo inductions centers are is not where I want to be known! He laughed and said “nope” All the nurses have been asking me about the picc line after my arm presentation – blood, transfusion and chemo through a picc is a dream.

We took the kids to see Elemental last night – I love Pixar movies. After the movie Inside Out I was sure Elemental would be right up my ally. I love the story, music and get lost in the animation. One of the first guys I ever dated in HS turned out to be a Disney Animator. He was super talented and an amazing “doodler” haha I used to look for his name in the credits of Disney movies but it never popped up. And I walked right into Google. What are the odds? What are the odds that you’re first boyfriend, moved to LA to be an animator also had leukemia and was at COH for his bone marrow transplant? Wild. He’s got three kiddos and a beautiful wife. Just freaking wild…we both had the same freaking cancer? Are the odds of that super high? I thought leukemia was a rare cancer. And I gotta stop Googling cancer…WTF. He survived leukemia 10 years ago with a transplant at COH 9 years ago. Do I let myself hope? Do I give myself this excitement of possibility? Nope. We are cautious. Baba Yaga knows better than to give me too much.

I have been falling asleep early lately, which isn’t a bad thing at all but has had me just stopping in my tracks with my writing. My rest is important but writing has been good for me mentally as well. I have enjoyed it and it has kept me from Google all the sh*t I shouldn’t be. My goal this week has been to “show up” – I’m sure there are some exercise loving people out there that just love to snack on some broccoli while watching TV. You do you boo. I am not one of them. I don’t wake up jazz with energy strap on my leotard and “Ride at Dawn” with my Tour de France club. Nerp. More power to you. Firstly I don’t wake up jazzed, maybe I should? Just from a fundamental- “I f*cking woke up!” I’ll work on that. But currently I don’t wake up jazz…let alone start my workout.