Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Despite not sleeping well, I was the first one to wake up this morning. How many quiet mornings do I get? How many more mornings do I get to hear the quiet snores of my children? For some reason, the death of that cheerleader has stayed with me the last few days and I haven’t been able to quite shake it. I again went back to look at survival rates of AML. We dropped items off at the trailer to prepare for our Fourth of July camping trip, and J took me to a pizzeria. Sadly, it was not as impressive as they say. The sauce and crust was off. The garlic knots were disgusting. Why can’t we just have fresh garlic and parsley why must we use the fake Parmesan cheese? I put in a load of laundry when we returned home and dutifully folded a few loads. There was a great cross-breeze today when the garage and slider were opened and I napped to the cool wind. It was far too sunny today for a walk. Hoping for a gloomy June day tomorrow to get a couple of good steps in. I am so grateful for any June gloom days.

I faded in an out of my nap this afternoon and let my thoughts run away. This was my first mistake. I am not good when I’m alone with my thoughts, especially when I’m not feeling my best with my back and neck aches, and when my legs feel like they weigh a ton and every step is considerable effort. L left the house early to play with his friend and hasn’t been home all day. S has been out, riding her bike with her friends. I am wonderfully grateful that they have their own friends and activities. I don’t want them wallowing at home with me.

We’re having pizza tonight for dinner – despite having it for lunch, J wants to make his own pizza. He went off to the store, and I stupidly asked if he wanted me to come with him, one look on his face, and I knew there was no desire to take me on such an adventure. He wanted to go in and out of the store as quickly and efficiently as possible. I am required to be as careful as possible at the possibility of a transplant soon. Bubble boy, meet bubble girl.

I’m struggling today. I can’t piece together things. I ask the same things over and over. I feel like I’m supposed to do something but I can’t remember what it is. I think I’m looking for something but don’t know what I’m looking for.