Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I’ve been binge watching “Making The Team” on CMT – of course I’ve been curious about the girls who didn’t make it or did make it and where are they now. What happened to the Chelsea girl who got cut because she got too heavy? What happened to the Long Island girl with the pretty hair? What about this girl and that girl. There saws one girl who made it to training camp three different times. She was very angry the final time she was cut, and I googled her. “Meagan Flaherty DCC” – she died in 2016 after her battle with AML (Refractory Leukemia) Refractory AML means the leukemia did not respond to treatment. Complete remission has not been reached because the chemotherapy drugs did not kill enough leukemia cells. Of course I immediately start to compare, because this sh*t still freaks me out. I have been responding to chemotherapy. 97%, 67.5%, 20%…I’m responding to chemo.

Lately I have been having some crazy sugar cravings. I’ve been giving into those cravings. Baba Yaga knowns sugar is my enemy. I know there are studies that sugar does not feed cancer but there are also studies that sugar is the fuel of cancer. My whole body is crazy. My eyesight, my skin is itchy all over, but I need to be honest as well. I’m no longer on my water schedule. I’m not drinking my water the way I was. I need to get back to that and turn back all my water alarms. I just reached for a new bottle of water. Just like I have been actively walking, I need to go back to drinking water. I have been decent with my eating. Good food cravings. I made myself a more fulfilling salad this time around. I’m focused on eating fruits and veggies – though okra has been giving me the sh*ts. Like omg, Clench! Clench! Clench! I genuinely like veggies, but being neutropenic leafy salads don’t work. So it’s more cucumber/tomatoe salads.

I know these days suck. I know that the days after chemo and the next week and a half will be even rougher. I know it’s getting rougher with each round, and this round has been rougher than the second one.

J and I were at Whole Foods looking at beer for J when someone said “Good luck with everything, my wife is going through breast cancer.” We exchanged some small talk and him and J related to the fact that sometimes, they just need a beer. Cancer is everywhere now. Has it always been? Have I just never noticed? Like when I bought my little e-scooter, all of a sudden, I saw TONS of e-scooters. When I traded it for a e-bike, all of a sudden, troves of e-bikes. Do we as humans not connect, until we are personally in it?

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. Partly because of my recent obsession and partly because S had been kicking the closet door and it makes a bang. This morning 6:00am I have been obsessively reading about Meagan Flaherty. Combing through her Facebook. She was diagnosed with AML on May 14 2015 and by Mar 13 2016 she had passed. Her fiancé moved on a year later. I combed through his FB and his new wife’s FB. Like the crazy stalker I am. She was 31 and clearly very fit as a cheerleading hopeful. I’m a middle aged, mother of two that loves McDonald’s French Fries. She was going to COH in Duarte except she never made it. We both have AML but hers seemed different – she got platelets and blood directly from people she knew. My AML was treated differently. Granted her AML was treated in 2015. It’s 8 years later and there has been leaps of changed in the treatment of Leukemia. Baba Yaga keeps coming up to push me.

No increase in blasts. That’s super important. But no “increase” in blasts doesn’t mean no blasts. Just no “increase”.

The NP responded on 6/7 with this. But didn’t hear from her Thursday or Friday but she may not have gotten the cytometry tests back yet. Pet Google: Cytometry is the measurement of number and characteristics of cells. Variables that can be measured by cytometric methods include cell size, cell count, cell morphology (shape and structure), cell cycle phase, DNA content, and the existence or absence of specific proteins on the cell surface or in the cytoplasm. And I’m obsessing again.

How quickly her fiancé moved on. No judgement just observation. She died Mar 2016 and by Sept 2017 he had already propose. Nov 6 2021 he was married and expecting a baby with his new wife. Okay I’m judging. Like damn…if you proposed by Sept 2017 how quickly did you move on to date? How quickly will J move on? Meagan was full of hopeful love when she was talking about her fiancé. Her future MIL and SIL were all in her FB posts. She even mentioned the transplant will prevent her and fiancé from having children. From the perspective of love and marriage – I don’t care if J moves on – I’m practical and realistic. Companionship is pretty normal.

What I care about are my children and their assets. That’s where I get territorial and psycho. I’ve busted my as* for my children and would literally haunt J if that is split to her and her potential children. Cause after 40…she’s gonna come with baggage which could be potential asset stealers. Baba Yaga – let’s get ugly. Like I told him, you want girlfriend(s) go for it. You’ve got a long life to live – do you. But another wife? Hells nah. I don’t have generational wealth to pass on to my children but anything that I have is 1000000% for my children, not her or her demon children. Then I go down the slippery path, if he marries and he dies before she does…then she’d have control of it all. Baba Yaga we are not dying because I am a spiteful b*tch. I’m not hopeful because of religion. I’m not hopeful because I have the love of my soulmate (barf). I’m not dying because I’m not letting J and his poor decisions for a imaginary future wife to go Investigation Discovery on his as* and kill him. Then steal all my babies assets. OMG. I have problems. I legit have problems. I have to set up a living trust and get my stuff squared away. Make sure it’s lock tight. We started it but never finished it because we got lazy. I’ll have to revisit it during home logistics. I’m going to try and get some more sleep and not obsess over this the whole day. A reset.