Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s 9:00am and I’m at a red light. I needed to pick up a jacket I bought for L. I look out the window to my red light and see people sleeping on the ground by the Wells Fargo. One of them is showering by the bench with baby wipes and the other two had just been rousted up by bank security. Last night wasn’t particularly cold, in fact my children slept outside in their tent. However they had blankets to stack up to give them a solid 12” of padding. Seeing these people on the concrete in front of Wells Fargo makes me reflect on my gratitude. Of course I wonder how did you get to showering on the bench in front of a Bank? Or how did your choices lead you to sleeping on the ground? The reality is our choices, however minute can change our trajectory. Just like in the book I’m reading, if a plane takes off from LA and is 3 degrees off in the flight path instead of landing in NY they land in DC that’s 250 miles apart. 3 degrees isn’t a huge issue in the beginning but you’d sure miss the mark at the destination.

What was their 3 degrees difference? What choice did they make that changed their trajectory? Mine was work. Choosing that first above all else. Choosing that above sleep, food, bathroom breaks as well as family. I chased that “job well done” high like those chasing a fentanyl high. And yes, I know how good fentanyl feels. Thank you hospital drugs. It was amazing. That high was incredible (the job well done not the fentanyl – just to clarify). Every time I felt it, heard it, saw it in a email – I felt great. But home…something was always wrong. Something was always a miss. Whether it would be good that was burnt or the kids would be fighting or J would be irritated at the mess in the kitchen. There was always something. But never a job well done.

Life is messy and really there’s never a “job well done” for life. Who’s gonna say it? You? Maybe that’s who is supposed to say it. When you’re a kid, it’s your parents that say it. I know I do. When the kids do their chores without prompting I will excitedly say “Good Job!! Thank you so much!” Am I perpetuating an unhealthy cycle of needing praise. And no, my love language is not words of affirmation. My love language is sleep.

Going back to some normalcy like driving has been a little challenge I notice that my eyesight isn’t as crisp anymore even with glasses. I have been ordering grocery delivery but the cost adds up. I’d like to change to order pick up and then to go in and get my own groceries.

Speaking of normalcy and driving…well I hit J’s car. It stuck out into the driveway because today is trash day and well my car didn’t beep. But it crunched. Surprisingly I just shrugged because truly…what am I supposed to do? It’s 2 days post chemo. It is what it is. Should I be behind the wheel…probably not a great idea. Can I drive to the big tree and make a right? Yes, I am capable of it.

Another report about an actress that had one cancer then two years later spread to another cancer. I really need to stop readying these thing. But I don’t look for this stuff. I don’t actively search for it at all. And it time to shut Baba Yaga off now.