Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Of course the gas tank was at E and I had about 10 miles left on the tank. I had enough energy to put $15 in the tank and take myself to chemo. The sun was already blistering on my semi bald head so I had to get back in the car and get my cap on. Same rerouting for infusion: “Any changes in insurance? No. Any Covid symptoms? No. You’re all checked in. Have a good infusion!” Have a good infusion? Always makes me laugh a little. Of course it’s meant in a kind way but it makes me laugh even still. Who is banging on the door to sign up for infusion?

Unfortunately the PIV was not useable again. The vein had collapsed and there was no blood return. The saline flush was just giving me a hematoma in my tissue which was very painful. It had to be removed. Sigh. So why am I going to IR again? Extra likes and prodding? Sigh. I was in bed all yesterday after coming back from chemo at 1:30pm as they had to find another vein to start and IV. I’m told this new one will hold until Tuesday. Sounds familiar.

Today’s infusion is 2:00pm. This one is further. May take an Uber if I don’t feel up to it. D said they would give me a lift or pick me up from the facility. It’s about 30 minutes away on freeways – I’m confident I can make it 10 minutes but 30 minutes on the freeway – not so much.

It’s not always fake , some days I do feel good. But no matter what I always respond with “a little tired but good” or “a little achy but okay” – because let’s face it it’s makes the asking party feel awkward and crappy if I said “I feel like absolute garbage” and if that were me asking I wouldn’t know what to say to that. So I stick to the basic script. I know they are calling or texting out of concern, love and care – so why give them such an awful response. I try and smile when I get infusions, smile when I’m about to be poked with a needle, smile when I’m interacting with anyone. Oncology nurses and radiologists have commented that I’m friendly and super positive. I’m not..in either category. But why be a d*ck? They didn’t give me cancer, why should I be an a*shole to them. My perspective on nurses…they are everything. Be f*cking kind to them. They are the ones who will save your life. Doctors (male)…ego d*ckwads. Yea yea, I’m still pissy at Dr C. Female Doctors…f*ck they have had to hustle. Respect. But still the nurses are the ones who are gonna safe your life. So I smile at everyone because the alternative takes a lot of energy and effort. I’m trying not to die, I don’t have the energy to be an as*hole (note the difference is I am perfectly capable of being an as*hole, I just don’t have the energy to be one).

I’m considering a walk but body hurts like hell today and I feel like trash. The IV that was left in me yesterday pinches when I move it wrong. Thinking about being ever so slightly productive today but also not feeling up to it. Newtons’ 3rd Law: Body in motion, will stay in motion. L is “camping” in the backyard. Yogi is in his kennel – why bring back an animal just to have him locked up in a cage all day? Makes absolutely no sense. My in laws brought him back yesterday. They have had him for a little over a month. With no cages and all freedom. So now that he’s back, he’s stuck in his kennel. I don’t care for him but I feel this is cruel. After my Charlie died two years ago, I was absolutely devastated and in my grief I thought getting a new dog would help. It didn’t. But L fell in love with him. Yet, doesn’t take care of him and often forgets to feed him.

I let him out while I prepared tomorrows breakfast and tomorrow’s lunch or tonight’s dinner – I just sat down for a little break while the water boils. Y is sniffing around and trying to get settled back in.

D picked me up at 1:15pm for chemo. I’m so grateful. Feel like absolute garbage now. But the positive is that the IV did hold. I didn’t have to have an extra poke but it stung for a bit when it was getting flushed. So grateful it worked!! Thank you ray of sunshine. I’m going to bring a heating pad tomorrow so that it’s not cold tomorrow. My friend L is coming to drop off some frozen dinners. She’s driving a hell of a way to see me. So no matter what I’m going to put my big girl panties on and a smile on my face to greet her! It’s the very least I can do for her kindness. J took S out for a bike ride. L was playing at the park with his friend. I’m laying on the couch waiting for my friend L to arrive.