Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

What exactly is bone marrow biopsy? “Bone marrow aspiration and bone marrow biopsy are procedures to collect and examine bone marrow — the spongy tissue inside some of your larger bones.

Bone marrow aspiration and bone marrow biopsy can show whether your bone marrow is healthy and making normal amounts of blood cells. Doctors use these procedures to diagnose and monitor blood and marrow diseases, including some cancers, as well as fevers of unknown origin.”

In my terms it hurts like f*cking hell…it’s a manual drill into your hip. Lidocaine is a bunch of bull. I didn’t have much in the tank on Tuesday.

Wednesday started off okay, by the time I finished with the home logistics it was already 11:00am and I hadn’t eaten or drank anything. The biopsy pain had subsided a bit and I wanted to make some riblets for the kiddos.

Either time is breezing by or I am so slow. I felt good in the morning. Once I finished cooking it was 1:00pm…what the f*ck I blinked and the time was over. I cleaned up and ate brunch and it was time to head off to chemo. When I spoke to Dr P on 5/24 he said no problem for a reinsertion of the PICC line as I would be on site 5/30 for my biopsy we could just do it there. But I said I would try peripheral IV. Trying to put my big girl panties on. But really it’s nice to shower and have full range of both your arms.

It took one try and some “fishing” which is basically wiggling the needle in your arm to find the vein. For most people that are heros this isn’t bad. For little b*tches like me…holding in your pee is your main focus. Zomg, I have 6 more days of this. Not only do I have a fear of needles, I now have to do this 6 more times. Holy sh*t. Chemo through the IV vs picc is similar, first comes the fluids then anti nausea meds and then the oncology nurse wears her protective gown and asks me for my name/date of birth. She states my information to a second oncology nurse and read off the details of the chemotherapy and my information. Two people sign off and it’s put to fake Kevin. An hour and half later – I’m headed home.

They say that every round of chemo is subsequently worse than the first one. The effects of chemo are cumulative get worse with each cycle. This is the race between how long your body can hold onto this bullsh*t and when you can get a transplant. By the time infusion was done and I was home I had enough to crawl into bed. I drank some broth an hour or so later. Around 10:00pm I got a wave of nausea and between throwing up, laid down on the bathroom floor. My whole body hurt. F*ck…cancer sucks! I hate this.

I asked J a few days ago on my good day if he regretted marrying me. He has a tow. I feel bad that he ended up with me. He could have been with someone who was healthy and active. Instead it’s me. He spends his days going to work then driving me to chemo, making dinner and wrangling children. If it’s a bad day, carrying me up the stairs and helping me to the bathroom. Picking me up off the floor after I’ve thrown up and putting me back to bed. I know I know in sickness and in health. But let’s be f*cking honest, we say that shit in our vows…but are we really ready to wipe our partners as*? He is doing the best he can to hold on. I can see it. We barely talk. I leave him in silence so he can just hold on. He didn’t sign up for this. No one does. But I still wonder if deep down he regrets this. I think it’s natural to regret these cards he now has.

This morning I’m just trying to right my ship to get out of bed and start the day. I don’t know if I have it in me to finish any home logistics stuff, it may have to just wait until I feel better. It’s only 8:25am. I have to mentally right this ship first. It’s going to be a good day. It’s going to be okay. This too shall pass. My chip sealer arrived yesterday. Today my plans are small. Get up and get dressed. Eat something with my meds. Chip seal my chips…because my children need to open 4 different chips at one time. Go to chemo.