Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I overdid it yesterday and walked much further than I should have and exerted more than my tank had to offer. My whole body hurts today day. But I have no regrets. I absolutely loves seeing the kids building the dam. So worth it even if it has resulted in me sleeping most of the day. That was the whole point of camping. I want to live today. I want to be present now. I don’t want to put off happiness. I don’t want to put off creating memories. It won’t always be sunny days – so while they are there I want to take full advantage.

Sleeping most of the day irritates me. Baba Yaga comes in full force and gets the better of me. I heard J yell at L for the 4th time in a span of two hours. L is struggling with his defiance and the urge to argue back with J. The last one was pretty intense between the two so with the last bit of energy I got up from my chair and went in with L to the trailer. I yelled for him to knock it off and simultaneously closed all the windows and blinds. My voice is one that carries. As he stood there I repeated to him that his mouth always gets him into trouble. Tears streaming down his face. Wanting the argue back with me but also keenly recognizing that my tank was empty. The fumes were giving me to energy to scold him. This is where Baba Yaga comes for me. I am not confident that I will make it past 5 years. That lack of confidence creeps in when I don’t feel my best. My darling son. My first love. How I hope I can walk this life with you but I’m terrified.

After his shower I tried my best to speak with him in terms he could break down. It’s his adamant desire to be right. But I explain that when he gets argumentative what starts off as right ends up as wrong. His wujek (Polish Uncle) made his hot chocolate and he put it on the ground cause it was hot and S kicked it and spilled it. He got very upset and tears instantly ran down his face. He was upset that S wasn’t blamed or yelled at and that he was. I explained that putting his on the ground was wrong on his part. He defended that S should have any aware of her surroundings. I started up the water on the stove. I explained that while that was true the responsibility lies on him as it’s his drink. My example was crossing the street- while the cars should be aware of their surroundings we can not depend of them. We need to watch for cars. Because if they hit us; game over. But he needs to be responsible for his actions and his reactions. He needs to control him. That’s all we can do. Yes, that’s a lot to expect for a little kid. But I have to plant the seeds early – because…because I don’t know if I’ll be here to watch them grow. I put a packet of hot cocoa in a cup and pour the hot water in and cooled it with a bit of milk. As I sat it in front of him, he sobbed. Dad won’t know how I like my cocoa, he won’t know to put milk in it.

If there were ever words so simple but so painful to my heart. No my love, your Dad probably won’t know how to make your cocoa they way I do. He probably won’t know or remember to put milk in it. I tried to hold in my tears but couldn’t. So I told him that while I am here with him; I need to teach him how to navigate the bad days. How to be level headed. How to read a room. How to deescalate a situation and come out victorious. It wont be perfect every time but he needs to try. The good days are a breeze. But the bad days he needs to learn how to get up again, try again tomorrow. The same lessons I’m learning myself.

He drank his cocoa and asked if he could sit outside by the fire. J came in and told me he was going to go for a walk. I picked up inside the trailer while S washed up for bed. She was watching the iPad when L asked if he could let the fire be and come inside. Both children tucked into their bunks and zoned out on their devices. I didn’t have more in my tank and let them be. By the time J returned from his walk it was around 10:30pm. We chatted for a few while he munched on some Captain Crunch cereal then he went to lay down with L for a bit. It’s 1 am. I took a blanket to L’s bunk and turned up the heat.

He’s struggling. I’m struggling. We all are navigating as best as we can. Baby Yaga has a grip on me tonight. She is taken my humor and has replaced them with tears. We all don’t know when our ticket will be punched but cancer gives you an acute awareness of your ticket.