Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

S’s play yesterday was wonderful I’m so glad that I did not miss it. S was nervous but had the biggest smile when we locked eyes. It was a great feeling seeing her so happy. I made J save seat because I wasn’t going to be fast enough to get there! I was up front in the center!! Her curls were already gone by the time she was on stage. I don’t think she noticed or at least didn’t seem to care. Still that big smile was wonderful. These are the moments I collect in my heart and wish I could stop time!

We packed up and left for camping shortly after the play. L was more than happy to leave class. It’s the last week of school – very little “school” is happening at this point. It’s glorified babysitting. Traffic was the right amount of awful and we arrived at the campground a bit before 6. Then it was dinner and fire time.

I am reminded of how much this serves my soul. The air here smells different and is the right amount of cold. It’s soothing in every way. It’s almost like a return home. I have never been much of a camper, and to be honest, if not for the trailer – I don’t know how much “service my soul” camping would be. I don’t particularly love the dirt, bugs or the public bathrooms. The trailer serves my soul and its ability for me to have the creature comforts of a toilet, shower and proper bed. Not to mention the heat and the AC…cause when it gets to 30 degrees outside and I’m in my bed…I’m quite happy. Being able to retreat to the trailer, shower and drink some hot tea – is absolutely soul serving. Stuck in a tent where you’re breath is on my breath and someone absolutely silent farted…not so much! 4 person tent is not really 4 people…it’s really 1 person. Every time I look at those tents I think they are misleading the public. 10 person tent is really meant for 2.5 people at most. 4:1 ratio in my book. I don’t like camping, I like glamping. But not an airbnb or a yurt. At the end of the day, I like to know the butts that are sitting on my toilet.

This morning was so much better…J helped me into the hammock and I laid there soaking up the cool breeze until the ladies showed up with their shenanigans. We’re headed to the dam soon to see if our beloved little dam that we have been building up for the last few years is still there. I was also incorrect with the timing as this is our third year camping today. Chemo brain. Every time we are here we come back to build on the dam. More rocks. More sticks. More mid.

Sadly our dam was in fact washed away; while there were some bits that remained on the sides it was mostly washed away. So we found a new site to rebuild!

A truly great afternoon. The children had a amazing time, R built a zip line for the kids, there were hammocks that turned into makeshift swings, bocci ball, giant jenga…and good old fashion sling shots. Our very own make shift summer camp. You could hear the children’s voices at both camp sites…their laughter, cheers…our very own Lord of the Flies. We even booked our Aug camping trip at a double site!

Side note: I hate being the f*cking anchor, the liability…it bothers me that I can’t join the fun as is and that special arrangements need to be made for me. We didn’t go back to the old damn because I couldn’t make it down the rocks, and while gravity is on my side going to the river…gravity would completely work against me on the way up to the road. I was keenly aware I would not be able to make it up. So we went further downstream to find a easier walk to the river.

Everyone has showered now, L is in his bunk watching a little TV and S and J are watching a show I downloaded on the iPad. I’m sitting at the dining table with my second cup of tea letting my mind wander and letting my body aches wash away after every sip. Tomorrow, I plan to lazily lay in the hammock hoping that the children have no destroyed it by swinging on it. I want to finish my book tomorrow or make a dent.

I keep reading about that actor/actress dying from this cancer or that cancer after 2 years of battling cancer. They have all the financial means to get the best doctors, and there my fearful mind comes… Baba Yaga starts and questions how I think I can make it if they couldn’t. Oh Baba Yaga, thanks for the fear tactics again. I google what types of cancers these people have, ovarian, colon, breast…and I take a deep breath and tell Baby Yaga, we have different cancers. Leukemia is treatable…stop the fear mongering. But as J and I sit by the evening fire last night – we both said it…we are scared sh*tless. He hates reading that as much as I do. He doesn’t want to face that possibility that I could die.

F*ck, I don’t want to face that possibility either, even at the age of 99. I mean my Grandmother passed at 100, my other grandmother is 98…I have good longevity genes in my blood. Am I just saying this sh*t to myself? I mean it’s the truth. I had to call it an earlier night, I didn’t sleep well last night and did more walking that I thought I could today on very uneven terrain. Tonight, I’m going to listen to some music to drown out Baba Yaga and drift to sleep. I’m grateful to recognize my fearful mind and not let it control everything.