Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

One day at a time…

Just Not Okay

I found it hard to wake up this morning, and laid in bed until mid morning. By the time I went downstairs I was already behind on my meds and water. From there my annoyance got the better of me. My grocery order that I made last night that had a 9:00am – 12:00pm delivery window and of course it delivered at 11:58am. My noon bloodwork was supposed to be followed up by a 12:30pm oncologist appointment but for some reason that turned into a 1:00pm appointment so when my noon bloodwork was done at 12:15pm expecting to be seen in 15 minutes, turned into a 45 minute wait. Which just made me even more annoyed. Instead of waiting, I decided to leave. I was tired and wanted to go home. I was just not okay.

I try to be as okay as possible, staying as cheerful as I can be and adopting the fake it til you make it. But sometimes I’m just not okay. Sh*t – I missed M’s birthday today. I even told Ag I would call but because I was moody and not okay I missed it. Damn it! I just texted her but it’s late in Poland so they are asleep now. Now I’m irritated at myself for missing his birthday. I’m in an funk again and I don’t like it.

Tomorrow is a big day. Chemo pills are supposed to be delivered tomorrow – they need o be signed for so I have to be quick on my feet tomorrow. I bought a wig – I look absolutely ridiculous.

I look as ridiculous as the doggos in wiggos…but I’m not fully bald. I’m spotty bald, there are hairs that refused to leave my head. Right around the start of Covid I starting to thin pretty badly. Clumps of hair would fall out, I was pretty stressed out about the whole thing and started with all the creams and serums. Nothing helped. I cut my hair thinking it would help lighten the weight but my hair stopped growing and continued to steadily fall out. Towards the end of 2022, I simply resided that my hair was thin – a once lions mane – resembled Gollum and my hair was “my precious” – not a pretty sight.

It’s half past midnight, I’m exhausted but my mind is still running a marathon. I need to rest, I have a long day of things I have to do tomorrow. I’ll nap but will need to stay alert to open the door and sign for my medication. Tomorrow will be a better day.

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About Me

Hello, my name is Nina. I am a mother, wife, daughter and friend. I am lover of country music, & 80’s love ballad. I love me some karaoke! I identify as hot mess mom. I get it wrong, all the time. On the rare occasions I get it right? Even I’m shocked.

I am a working professional in the field of Compliance. I am mother two, daughter to immigrant parents, wife to a “redneck” – and proud of it, sister-in-law to the two most incredible human beings I have ever met and a niece that is just so cool but doesn’t know it.

I work too hard and play too little. I’ve always focus on the wrong thing and never quite sure if I’m ever enough. I grew up on the East Coast and was a latchkey kid in the 80’s and 90’s – I dodged the sketchy people on the walk home and tried not to end up on a milk carton.

I went to a very privileged Boarding School on the East Coast and college after that. (So yeah that’s exactly why this journal will be riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. On the days I feel good, I’ll type it out. On the days I don’t feel good it’ll be voice to text. I can not be held liable for the things Siri puts in as my “voice”. ) Graduated on a Friday and started Fleet Bank on a Saturday. I hustled my way through the midnight shift at DHL and hustled and hustled and hustled. I knew nothing except the hustle. (As I said, I’m a hot mess mom).

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