Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I’m struggling today – for some reason health care people that I have been in contact with equate cancer with stupidity. The cancer pharmacy called me today and talked to me about my medication refills. I didn’t bother getting her name. She asked me if there was anything I had questions about. I inquired why I needed to call in for refills any why its not something the pharmacy does systemically? She said that normally the pharmacy calls 10 days before the pills run out. She asked me when it was filled and I stated the date as 4/24/23 and she said that normally calls would happen 7 days before the pills run out. I restated she said 10 days and she corrected and said responded that she said 7 days. Chemo meds are mailed to me, are you overnighting this sh*t? I’m annoyed. I have cancer, I’m not fu*king stupid. First it’s D who tells me that the same egg crate I’m sleeping on can’t be used for J because I’m neutropenic. The lady said 10 days and when I call her out, says 7 days…but it take 5 days to process and mail. Cancer does not equal stupidity.

I’m short tempered today, in part due to the mood of the new from HLA and the repetition that I’m treated as if I don’t have logic and rationale. My story is not over, I believe that and I believe the universe has a path for me except it’s not the right time yet. J stayed home from work today, the mood has been heavy, he had a hard time getting out of bed. I think of the phrase “Depression hurts” – it does. It makes you just want to lay in bed in the fetal position and just no want to do anything. “Game recognizes game, depression recognizes pain.” It’s a feeling that I am familiar with. I couldn’t get him excited for anything, though the excitement today was bringing Amazon returns to UPS. S is in a school play that required a pair of shoes…and we order 5 pairs in different sizes to figure out she’s a Big Kid Size 3…oops. (I ordered 11-4.) I tried to entice him with a Mushroom Brie Burger at Mimi’s but didn’t get much of a reaction. There’s a pizzeria on IG that is allegedly amazing and is said to be a “close” New York Pizza. I won’t hold my breath. But I’d be willing to try.

J and I got into it today at the UPS store with an Amazon driver who blocked the disabled spot. I have cancer but I am still as ghetto. I flew out of the car and went at him as well. J has rage in his sadness, I see it burning in him.

He laid down when we got home, not wanting to talk or watch TV. He just wanted to sleep. It’s 6:30pm, he’s still asleep. When the doorbell rang, he continued to sleep. When I told him there was someone at the door, he continued to sleep. I checked the cameras and Thank goodness for meal train. The children will be fed today. I watched as L opened the front door – he was hungry. The children were both starving and consumed just about all the chicken. I am grateful. I got myself down the stairs and helped dish out dinner.

I ordered some groceries, purple yams, okra, grapes and a watermelon. I’m going to make a little dinner for myself tonight, some rice with purple yams and eat some watermelon. I didn’t drink any substantial water today so hopefully the watermelon will help. Tomorrow is another blood draw and an appointment with Dr. C – ports will be discussed. Eeek.

I got to blow dry S’s hair today and braid her hair. It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s quite soothing. It’s something I hope she enjoys as well. I put oil in her hair so it stays nice and soft as well as leave in conditioner. Her hair is close to her waist and she loves braids or pigtails. So we search online for different hair styles and I practice so we don’t do try the hair before school. Tonight I did her hair so that tomorrow will be a quicker morning! I didn’t get a photo before bed but it was a pretty good braid.