Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I was too tired yesterday to finished my thoughts yesterday. It’s not like a car that runs out of gas and slowly goes to zero. I don’t know if that actually work that way, but that’s what I think happens. It’s more like a light switch. It’s on or off. I have no strength but to go to bed.

I can’t start writing until I name the blog, yesterday I wanted to talk about Her but it didn’t happen. Just like in the book “The Light We Carry” – I have a fearful mind and it resides in me…it is me. It’s the voice that tells me “I can’t, won’t, shouldn’t…” and lately it’s the voice that tells me the statistics and reminds me of each step of the cancer process. It is the voice that puts negativity through my mouth into the universe. I don’t like her, she freaks me out and keeps me up at night. I am paralyzed when she takes over. I need to name her, not to give her power but to strip that hold over me. To identify when she is in the driver seat. I sound crazy and I feel crazy when that fearful mind takes over. What do I call this Baba Jaga that creates doubt and fear in me? I spent 15 minutes Googling. “Oizys (/ˈoʊɪzɪs/; Ancient Greek: Ὀϊζύς, romanized: Oïzýs) is the goddess of misery, anxiety, grief, depression, and misfortune. Her Roman name is Miseria, from which the English word misery is derived.” Because even naming something singularly to me I need accuracy. What is wrong with me? Because Baba Jaga is basically the Hansel and Grendel witch…and John Wick. Clearly I have no answer yet.

I’ve been thinking about my conversation with Ju a lot…even J said it last night when we were talking and I said “Gah, I was about to fall off the bed.” He half shouted “Don’t even put that out in the universe!” I often tell L to “think” before he “speaks” but I don’t follow my own advice. I need to put the right things in the universe…and while we all joke about winning the lotto… What do I want? I want to live.

The pantry is being cleaned out today…a lot of food is expired. I know everything has an expiration date…but baking powder? Does that actually expire? 2019. According to Google (that’s where I get all my hard hitting facts and my cancer statistics): “Unopened baking powder can be stored for up to 18 months and still be fresh and effective. After that, you’ll likely notice a loss of potency when using it in baking recipes. Opened baking powder should be used within 6 months.” Screw it, less potency…I’m keeping it.

5:05pm COH called tonight. It was about my HLA testing. They wanted to know about my extended family, if I had siblings…my family tree. I started to tell her and in the middle of answering her I said “This isn’t good is it, when you’re asking me about family tree.” I caught her off guard, and she said “There’s no match.” And backpedaled with “The doctor will have more conclusive answers.” I’m processing this still. My story isn’t over. The Universe will give me a path. Baba Jaga started to talk. I know that for my own health and well being, I can’t break down. Because if I don’t dig myself out well. Baba Jaga doesn’t help me, only paralyzes me where I focus on the wrong things. I didn’t have a name for her, my fearful mind, until now…because my fearful mind is my Boogeyman, it is the Hansel and Gretel witch in the forest, it is all things awful. As my mind is process I downloaded Nicholas Sparks audiobook “Dreamland” – I’m on Chapter 13 already. I need a distraction from this…it’s overwhelming. When it’s overwhelming like this, Baba Jaga comes for me and fills me with the wrong things.

I’m going to listen to my book and let my mind enjoy the fictional love story.