Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I was super tired last night and drifted off until my bladder was going to burst at 4:30am. Since I couldn’t drift back to sleep I started to read an article but I fell asleep before I finished. I picked it up another 2 times, drifting in and out of sleep, before I actually finished it. It was about the Ghostwriter to “Spare” – and was a good read. When I finally woke up for the day it was close to 8:30am and felt rested with actual with energy. As J and I laid in bed scrolling randomly though IG, I saw how long his hair was and offered to cut his hair. He politely refused each time I’ve asked him in the last few weeks. He has refused the haircuts worrying about me getting too tired while standing, tripping, or dropping the clippers.

I have been cutting J’s hair for over a decade. It started off as a way to save money, $40 every 3 weeks was a lot, and turned into a thing that we do…our thing. J is not one those “it’s good enough” people who are happy with whatever, he is a picky b*tch. Those early cuts were awful! He would critique EVERY little detail and nitpick at every error I made. I don’t know how we made it without me slicing his neck. He was so f*cking annoying! Haircuts were a production and usually took a little over 2 hours with me in tears screaming “I didn’t f*cking go to Cosmetology school!” and collecting myself to finish his haircut. Over the decade I learned to cut his hair to his liking…he still gets skittish when I cut his eyebrows, (I cut them a little short ONE time, them cucaracha antennas were loonnng is all I’m saying) and cuts down to 15 minutes. Our schedule has always been every 3-4 weeks but got bronchitis towards the end of February and when I felt better the whole tooth thing happened and I got cancer. Haircutting was the last thing on anyone’s mind. He said he’d get this haircut with L at Supercuts next time. The thought of someone else cutting his hair…just made me sad. As stupid as it sounded in my head, letting someone else cut his hair was a mark of my demise in some way. So I asked him again this morning and he reluctantly agreed.

Clippers don’t seem heavy until you no longer have the muscle mass in your arms to hold weight out and away from your body. Like damn…it’s heavy! 6 on top, 2 on side – those have been my specs. I snapped on the 6 and within seconds I could see that I didn’t have the same strength in my hand to really push down to the scalp. I moved slow but midway through I looked at him and said “I’m sorry“. I really wanted to finish the cut but I was exhausted and upset at myself that I couldn’t finish despite convincing him that I was capable. He assured me that everything was okay and asked if I wanted to take a little break and sit down. I nodded and took a break. While it took longer than expected I did finish the haircut! No comments, no nitpicking…we were both happy that we continued our haircutting tradition. It was the same again. Our thing.

We ordered pizza and had lunch with my parents then afterwards they took the kids swimming. J and I spent the afternoon watching “The Mother” on the couch like we were Siskel and Ebert. So we’re supposed to believe that JLo is a badass? What’s the background story here? The character build is lacking here. LMAO. After the movie J worked in the garage and I took a little nappy nap. I woke up to a text from a friend telling me that she would be coming over later in the afternoon.

I haven’t seen Ju since 2017 – we made plans over the years but they would fall through. In reality my hustle got in the way and I prioritized work over my relationships with friends. How do you maintain relationship when you’re working 16 hour days? I was consumed with the hustle to do anything else. I would have written me off. As we talked I realized how much I not only missed her but felt her strength as she spoke. We didn’t catch up in our conversation instead she shared her truth and wisdom with me. I felt her compassion, warmth and love as she spoke to me. I didn’t feel pitied but understood. I realized through my life I have never been confident in anything I did. I never walked into a situation and felt like I could own it no matter how much I prepared. After 20 years in my discipline I still don’t feel like I know it. I don’t feel confident about cancer…at least I don’t feel confident yet that I can beat this but I want to. I want to grow old with J. I want to see my kids get married and have children of their own. I want to be an amazing Grandma. I want to be here and be present. Ju talked to me about putting the right things in the Universe. D says that a lot…”Girl the Universe will take care of me! I don’t worry about it.” I want the same, I want the Universe to take care of me too! Ju hugged me before she left and I told her I was grateful for her friendship. She didn’t write me off. I was still worth loving.

I am worth loving.