Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Lacking energy today. I had enough to go and sit with the kids this morning, then I fell asleep after they went to school. I found myself unable to do many chores this morning. I was able to load the dishwasher but ran out of gas afterwards and napped again. It seems that’s all I do is sleep these days. This was not the life I wanted. I want to take S to the playground by the ocean that I saw from my hospital window. I want to take L to the movies and give him the opportunity to swim on the team he wants to. I wish I could do more, but find myself incapable of doing much for them except sit and watch TV. I am grateful for that but it’s not the life I had hoped. I look at the bike that is parked in the front hall and wish I could take S now. I know that I can’t change the circumstances but only control my own actions.

I just looked down at my lap and started to laugh. My thighs are HUGE. All the fat just spread outward. It makes me laugh that it mattered to me enough to give it thought. Whether or not my thighs are full of fat are the least of anyone’s concerns – except for my brain.

May 9th
Not only did I lack energy yesterday, I lacked it today. It’s just that kind of a few days. I just got out of the shower, its crazy that a shower makes you feel human again. Plus my skin is peeling, so a shower helps get the flakes off. It’s gross, but it’s my reality. It’s gross for me too. The hair is still shedding, I thought about shaving it but worried it would hurt my scalp. So there’s just handfuls of 1/2 in hairs everywhere, bedding, carpet, pillow, towels…if it sticks it’s here.

J and I were talking about retirement on our way to the doctors today, and our thoughts to homestead. Not the recycling our own pee homesteading, but like a few chickens, cows, pig and farming type of homesteading. Ideally there would be a Hobby Lobby within an hour driving distance, but J may not want that. So I may have to settle for Amazon deliverable location. I draw the line there and meet in the middle. It would be nice to have some open space, fresh air and see the stars at night. I indulge in this dream because I would so love that.

Met with Dr. C, he doesn’t want to start on an antibiotic regiment until it’s absolutely needed. Talked about a medication routine that I would still be on until transplant. Then was the big question – could I go camping Memorial Day Weekend? He answered with “WHAT?” And then said “I don’t know, we will see.” I mean by then we’ll know if I still have cancer and have to do a 3rd round or I’m in remission and would be a some pill routine until transplant. And even if there’s a 3rd round, I usually get a little break in between. So… a few days with trees and fresh air. “We’ll see…” When I talked to Alli she said “I don’t see why not.” But J reminded me that her complete sentence was “I don’t see why not, let’s ask Dr. C” – I think I just heard half of her sentence.

As I combed S’s hair tonight – which I absolutely love. Her hair is so long, that I get lost sometimes brushing it. If I think about it too much I start to tear up, because no matter what – she will grow out of this. She won’t have me brushing her hair when she’s 18. So while she still allows it, I joyfully brush her hair. She asked if she could go back to gymnastics. I wasn’t sure how to answer her. Beyond the monetary portion there is still the transportation. Who’s going to take her to and from gymnastics? It would solely be on J. Gymnastics is not exactly close. I’ll have to think about how to approach J with this. Off to bed.