Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Early chemo today with dressing change. I forgot my cancer bag at home today so didn’t have any of the comforts for today. My parents picked up the kids in the morning for Sunday breakfast but turned out to be an all day event to include making scallion pancakes, gardening and a trip to McDonald’s. When I made a face at taking the kids to McDonald’s my mom said the kids deserve some normalcy.

She’s not wrong at all. The children do need some normalcy as their normal no longer includes after school sports/activities, it no longer include my ability to take them to the pool or engage in play dates. They no longer can invite their friends over the house. They can not hug me without showering first or washing their hands. Unless other people take them out, they are stuck at the house with me on the weekends as J is out running errands.

Their only freedom is the park. When I see how much they have lost in the sense of normalcy my heart breaks for them. I am very grateful for friends who take them out on the weekend or my parents giving them a day out. I’m grateful when their friends ring the doorbell and they go to the park to play. As a whole they are truly great children and are genuinely kind people who have a very loving soul. So much better than I am. Very grateful they are good people and that they stay good people.

My friend recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I texted her today after I saw her posts sharing photo of the nugget. He’s a little over a month old so she is in the thralls of zombie land. She asked me how J and the kids were and said that I was “so strong” and I hear that from friends. “You are so strong!” But the truth is I am not strong, this is not strength – it’s love. The first time I held L in my arms my heart grew like the damn Grinch. It ached and that ache was true love. I never felt that type of love before. It was that love that got me through while I was in the hospital. It’s that love that continues to push me to gratitude instead of fear.