Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I made the choice to get up this morning and have breakfast with the kids. It’s Teacher Appreciation Week at school which I missed but my wonderful neighbor who happens to also have kids in the same school and classes as my kids offered me flowers yesterday. Which I responded “Thank you so much, why are we bringing flowers to school?” She politely responded without calling me out that it was being a flower for your teacher. Oops. Thanks for the save, because I had no idea. Today was bring a gift for teachers/staff. We made mint candy pouches with Saran Wrap and string. It was also raining out but both kids wanted to walk with their umbrellas. Someone lost my umbrella which I’m disappointed at because there’s is a cultural superstition about loosing your umbrella. We will need to look for this umbrella this weekend.

After the kids went to school I found myself scrolling through IG reels. I found a few cat ones that had me in stitches as well a few otter ones that make me want to scoop one up from Monterrey Bay. Then I found this reel on IG with a message that blew me out of the water.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrqhzMQsv3O/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

“With gratitude, optimism is sustainable.” Michael J Fox

Yes it is. Beautiful neighbors that remind me what’s going on at school, wonderful friends that send me funny reels or just text to say hi. I am grateful for the mornings I get to spend with the kids eating breakfast and fternoon snuggles and nightly hugs and kisses. I’m grateful for my sister and her unwavering unshakable love. I’m grateful for daily food and drink porn that through my nausea I still drool at. I’m grateful for J’s ability to make me laugh about the dumbest things, including my hemorrhoids. Thanks colitis! A meal train set up by the PTA. Amazing people in the community that have not only checked in on me, but have offered J a hand if he needs. Neighbors willing to pick up my kids from school or drop them off. I have so much to be grateful for. I had that in the first round when I was in the hospital, but when I came home I lost it. I fell back into comfortable ways being at home and forgot gratitude as a result I replaced it with fear and doubt. That’s why I couldn’t shake the feeling of not feeling confident or strong going into round 2. I am grateful I caught myself on Day 4.

I have been focusing on the wrong things. Fear robs me of my senses. Fear brings me down a dark path and I start to drown in those thoughts. I lose laughter in fear and frozen in the cycle. There must be a phone algorithm that knew I needed to hear Michael J Fox today, because I have been asking myself how…how do you stay positive? Everyone tells me that I need to stay positive for cancer. I need to focus and have a good mind set. And I kept asking HOW…how do you stay positive through this sh*t? How do I stay positive when I’ve been given this bomb in my body? I found my answer today. Gratitude. Amen.

Today wasn’t a bad day, I walked a little over 1000 steps, I’d like to go for a walk outside tomorrow but I’m nervous about being by myself. Maybe I’ll just walk to the sidewalk and back instead of trying to walk the neighborhood. People have asked how the kids are since I’ve been home. They are back to their bickering ways and the back talk is back also. I’m even getting played. S will ask me if she can do something expecting me to say yes and knowing full well that J had already said no. Case in point, slime. She asked if she could make slimed on Sunday and I said okay. But J had already said no more slime to her as she has a habit of leaving slime everywhere and he was done cleaning it up. So when she went upstairs to look for shaving cream, J caught her in her scheme and shut it down. She came downstairs furious. These days I say yes to most everything they ask as long as it doesn’t hurt them. Not because I’m trying to be anyone’s BFF, but mostly cause I don’t have the energy to fight them. It’s easier to say yes. That’s not to say I won’t call them out for being little as*holes to each other. Or raise an eyebrow when someone says “Mommy?”

Mama – Normal day to day.
Mom – I need you to do something or a response to a request.
Mommy – I want something and Dad already said no.

But sometime getting played is okay, especially when you know you’re getting played.

Chatted with D tonight on the phone and laughed quite a lot. I flew with her to Las Vegas last year – without medication. Not a great flight, with so much turbulence. I will never fly to Vegas again – we’re going to drive that moving forward. I have a horrible fear of flying, and I’m usually medicated when I fly and short distances mean I’m not able to take medication. No good! So when we were talking about Vegas last year, D straight up suggested…Spirit Airlines. I’m making a face now just typing that out. She’s like it’s only $39 to fly to Vegas. Yea girl, cause their landing gear may or may not have all the wheels. They may or may not have a cabin crew or a captain. Girl…they may get a passenger volunteer to fly the plane! I was breathing through a paper bag when she said Spirit — we flew Southwest.

When we got to talking about Vegas again, I said I would gas up my car and we’d drive. She told me we could stop off at a little store and get some treats at 11:00pm on our way. I made another face when she said this. I straight called her out. Friend…you fly Spirit Airlines, I feel like safety isn’t a TOP priority, we’re going to pass on some little store at 11:00pm where we can be marked by a serial killer and have our throats slit in Vegas. Nope. No thanks. She couldn’t stop laughing. Her husband heard us talking about Spirit and he said “I’m not flying Spirit Airlines!” Girlfriend would straight up fly Bob Airlines if it was $20 cheaper than Spirit. Nah girl, I ain’t going down with a damn life vest. Also why are we not getting a parachute? I feel like the statistics of survival would be better.

That trip was my first time in Vegas that wasn’t work related. I actually got to walk around and see Vegas as well as the Michael Jackson Cirque Du Soleil which was magical. I’ve never been to a concert. I passed up going to see Taylor Swift’s Reputation Tour because my job was doing layoffs and I was worried so I bowed out when I should have gone. This time I got cancer…so yea. Era didn’t happen. But let’s be real, I would have been too cheap to go and would have worked instead. I have been to operas, ballet, broadway but never a concert. D and I wanted to see Adele or Celine but both cancelled their Vegas performances. But Kelly Clarkson is performing at Planet Hollywood, so it’s something to look forward to. It was a good laugh and I’m grateful.