Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I googled. “The 5-year survival rate tells you what percent of people live at least 5 years after the cancer is found. Percent means how many out of 100. The 5-year survival rate for people 20 and older with AML is 27%. For people younger than 20, the survival rate is 69%.” 27% chance of survival. Those aren’t great odds. Of 100 people will I be the lucky 27? I think lately I’ve been hearing about this person or that person died of cancer within 2 to 3 years. It’s always “They lost the battle to cancer”, that’s an interesting word “battle” as I picture a gladiator with a sword vs an IV and pills.

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning so stayed in bed as the children got ready for school. I didn’t get out of bed and down the stairs until past 8:00am. I found pants upstairs but had to get a shirt downstairs. I passed by the piano, I haven’t touched it in a few years. I sat down and let my fingers remember. As I played “Sweet Bye and Bye” by Walter Stier – as my fingers remember the notes and keys I sobbed. I sobbed remembering the piano lessons of my childhood. I sobbed at the 30%. I sobbed at my fingers remembering after all these years. I played and cried. I don’t want to die yet. I want more time. J just got home from work, chemo infusion is at 11:00am today.

I got my picc line dressing changed, though it pinches quite a bit. I may ask for it to get changed on Sunday if it keeps bothering me. I didn’t get as much hydration as I should have and feel a bit sluggish. I should have stayed and finished the fluids but I was tired and wanted to be home. Took more naps that I wanted today, but that’s just how it is sometimes.

Nurse R texted me today to see how Day 3 of chemo was. I told her that I was hanging in. I was more confident when I went into the hospital for the first round of chemo. Not only did I feel more confident – I was in a better head space. I’m less confident in this round and in a very different head space. I don’t have the same confidence as i did before and I’m focused on the wrong things. The statistics are getting to my head. I keep thinking that S is only 9. She’ll be 14 in 5 years and L will be 16. I am terrified and I can’t walk through this darkness. I asked J if he felt in his heart that I would be done in 5 years. He said he truly didn’t know. He only focuses on today, the present, the actual second – he said in order for him to keep moving forward that’s what he can focus on, nothing more. I feel lost and trapped this time. I know this doesn’t do me any good, and I have to remain positive but so far 3 days in – I’m no sunshine.

Every day I have a choice to make a better day. It’s the choices that define us, not the situation. Cancer is my situation but I have to make the choice to move and walk, to drink my water, to eat, to laugh, to be positive and think positive. I have to make a better choice tomorrow. Choices. I’m choosing to keep Memorial Day camping, even though I may not feel great – but I’m choosing to keep it to be positive and to have something fun to look forward to. I need to choose tomorrow being better. I choose to have some eggs for breakfast with my other half of protein shake. I choose to walk around the house and get at least 1000 steps in. I choose to drink my water and watch at least three panda videos and one farting one. Cause farts are funny. I choose to think about good things tomorrow. Choices.