Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

One day at a time…

New Kevin

Warm blanket. Pills. Hooked up to IV and New Kevin. I don’t feel strong still. Mindset is all over the place. . I talked to J last night. He asked me why I didn’t feel confident going into Round 2. He asked if it was the pain. I didn’t have a good answer. I just don’t feel strong this time around. My mindset is okay I think, but my body is hurting more and the strength isn’t what it used to be.

New Kevin / Chemo
I still wrap the IV around my fingers

I was always paranoid the IV would get kinked and if my left arm wasn’t perfectly straight – Kevin would beep like a psycho. But it was a security blanket, seems like it still is. Feeling tired at lot sooner this time and very nauseous. Treatment is only 3 hours, but I already stopped drinking water. The sight of it makes me want to dry-heave. I cancelled all my water alarms this afternoon. My mouth is super bitter as well. Ooof. My mom brought me home and I made it up the stairs to the bed, I won’t be going back downstairs today. I will be laying in bed for the remainder of the day.

8:04pm Dry heaving is not fun, at least with vomiting there is the relief after you get it out. But when there’s nothing to get out there is no real relief. This feel like first and second semester of my pregnancy with L. All smells set me off. It could be a wonderful scent but it would still be awful to me. The toilet and I were BFFs before that was even a thing. I would have a pillow and blanket in the bathroom so I could just lay on the cold tile. There is no way now I’d lay on the bathroom tile now when my body hurts. Just like graduating from sleeping on the couch, floor…wherever there was a spot back in the college days to now…if there is no bed for an overnight stay. I won’t be there, I’ll be home in my bed. That’s when you know you’ve hit a certain age in your adulthood, the “bed or no bed line” – you’re inviting me to hang out after 8pm? Oh an the sleepover? Oh yay, I can crash on your couch? In about 30 minutes I’m going to make up an excuse and I’m not going to be able to go. Truth be told…after 8pm? I’m not going, but thanks for asking. Speaking of bed, it’s time.

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About Me

Hello, my name is Nina. I am a mother, wife, daughter and friend. I am lover of country music, & 80’s love ballad. I love me some karaoke! I identify as hot mess mom. I get it wrong, all the time. On the rare occasions I get it right? Even I’m shocked.

I am a working professional in the field of Compliance. I am mother two, daughter to immigrant parents, wife to a “redneck” – and proud of it, sister-in-law to the two most incredible human beings I have ever met and a niece that is just so cool but doesn’t know it.

I work too hard and play too little. I’ve always focus on the wrong thing and never quite sure if I’m ever enough. I grew up on the East Coast and was a latchkey kid in the 80’s and 90’s – I dodged the sketchy people on the walk home and tried not to end up on a milk carton.

I went to a very privileged Boarding School on the East Coast and college after that. (So yeah that’s exactly why this journal will be riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. On the days I feel good, I’ll type it out. On the days I don’t feel good it’ll be voice to text. I can not be held liable for the things Siri puts in as my “voice”. ) Graduated on a Friday and started Fleet Bank on a Saturday. I hustled my way through the midnight shift at DHL and hustled and hustled and hustled. I knew nothing except the hustle. (As I said, I’m a hot mess mom).

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