Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

J took me to see a 10am showing of John Wick 4 – there were only a few people in the theatre and I wore my mask the whole time. You’d think cancer would make me a lovey, dovey, warm and fuzzy…nope, love John Wick 4 as well as the immense violence. It was great. Absolutely amazing. It was nice to have a little freedom, feel normal. I got some stares when we walked out of the theatre but then again I’m sure I stand out with my hair cap and mask. But besides my PICC line needing to stay in my sleeve, I was another normal patron with my popcorn enjoying the movie.

I’ve been through a round of chemo already but I’m anxious about tomorrow. I don’t actually know why. I’ve been binge watching The Rookie since I started the first round of chemo. I barely made it through Season 1 – I was simply too exhausted to follow along with the show. Mini vacay from chemo and I’m on Season 5. I read that Annie Wersching who played Rosalind Dyer on show passed away in January from cancer. And of course I googled the type of cancer she had as it was a two year battle, hoping it wasn’t Leukemia. It was stage 3 colon cancer. Like I said, it’s not negativity but the reality is not everyone win the battle. She was rich and famous – but cancer does not care. It doesn’t care your ethnicity, gender or your bank account. It just wants you and it sucks when it wants you.

You watch your body betray you. There’s nothing you can do. You tolerate the poison they put in you and try your best to hold on. That’s really it. That’s the fight…try your best to hold on. Breathe through the pain as it climbs steadily to 9-10. Watching your hair fall out little by little and seeing your scalp more and more. Relying on your husband to get you up the stairs because you lost over 20lbs in the hospital and it was all muscle mass so your legs can’t climb the stairs like they used to. Needing diapers because you’re not sure if you can make it to the bathroom in time. Relentlessly slathering coconut oil on your hands because they are so dry they are peeling and they hurt. There is literally nothing you can do but watch this like an out of body experience at times. Sometimes you want to cry but it’s not worth the tears. There is nothing you can do. I’m struggling so much this time around and I still don’t seem to be able to get to the root of it. Is it because I know what is in store for me again? Is it because my PICC line hurts more and more and it serves as a reminder? I just now remember that I haven’t taken my potassium pills. I hope I remember to take my Allopurinol daily,