Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I was super productive today, waited and signed for my chemo medication. I ate some sliced apples and napped. A true hero! I also stash away Amazon returns in a bag, called the pharmacy to check on my medication and called the oncologist to let them know I had my chemo meds. I’m very proud of myself. I’m not lol But I also realize that some days are going to be just that. Some days are just boring and there’s nothing going on – not even basic self reflection.

I have to drink every hour (it was every 20 minutes) which was not as long as one would think. It’s a requirement if I choose to do outpatient. I start back again on Monday. There’s been a lot of back and forth to what the right things to do is. On one hand at the hospital I can be better monitored and can hide pain from the kids. At home, I have the kids, it’s easier on J, but will need to explain more to the kids why I’m not feeling well. I’ll have to be more diligent about monitoring my vitals. But I think being home is better for our family. The induction center is 3 miles away from the house vs J driving 30 minutes without traffic. We can be home as a family, through it all – including the ugly. J and I will shield the children when we can and explain when we can not. I don’t know if I’m doing this cancer this correctly. How does someone do cancer? Some people meditate; I have fallen asleep twice trying. Some people do gentle breathing yoga, I fell asleep one trying. Some people knit, color, do diamond art… I haven’t found my “cancer thing” – well maybe to therapy blog. But truly I don’t know how to do cancer. I’m struggling. I’m in pain. I’m grumpy. I also make inappropriate jokes, and laugh at them. Fedex guy said “Hi, How are you today?” I responded “Still have cancer, but I’m alive today so doing pretty well.” He didn’t laugh. I felt awkward. I signed for the medication and quietly closed the door. I have to work on my material…. clearly. But at the same time I don’t want to be fake. Fake is exhausting. It takes too much of my brain cells to be fake.