Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It was a quiet Sunday. Kids played at the park. J took them to pool. They were kids… I napped most of Sunday. My energy level is definitely not where I want it to be. Still shedding like a dog. Cause the hair can’t just go…we gotta draw this out. Legs and back still hurt…seems like a comfortable position doesn’t quite exist. But it was a quiet Sunday. It’s been so long since we’ve had one. Just us again – it felt normal. It felt like I never had cancer. Like this was all some trippy nightmare. It’s just a normal Sunday. Then the body pain kicks in and I’m reminded…not quite a normal Sunday. But I wish it was again. I wish I was at the pool splashing with them. Taking S in a bike ride since the weather was so beautiful. And reminded what cancer has taken from this family.

Had to kick the kids out of the house to ensure they’d make it to school on time. So I just reminded them of the time like a cuckoo clock. 7:40am…7:45am… but at least they get out the door.

9:32am Mammogram ultrasound- The tech was taking photos of me like paparazzi. This fu*king can’t be good. She wanted to do a comparison of the left side as well. Yea nothing good comes from this…Dr D doesn’t like what he sees and wants to schedule a biopsy before the next round of chemo. Of course, of course he’s doesn’t like what he sees. Sigh. Can a doctors finally like what they see when they scan me? My body is betraying me in so many ways. It’s like insult to injury. I’m not angry, or maybe I am. I’m sitting in the “Zen” room. I don’t feel fu*king Zen. My bones hurt and I want to go home. I’m tired of hearing bad news. I’m tired of hearing this part of my body doesn’t look correct or that part of my body isn’t looking right so we need more testing. Maybe I just have a case of the Mondays.

Alli called around 1:45pm the words “absolutely not” flew out of her mouth. Dr C is NOT allowing any biopsy happen right now. So I called the mammogram center and relayed the message. They asked me why I was canceling – I responded the oncologist said no. He trumps all. They said okay and would reschedule at a later time. COH called and I have a Wednesday appointment to start the transplant HLA matching. Here we go. It’s still surreal this whole thing still feels like a joke. How did this happen? This was supposed to be a dumb tooth infection. How did we get to leukemia?! How did this happen? How did I lose over a month of my life? How is it April already? It’s fu*king almost May! I had to cancel our April camping trip and now with round 2…I have to cancel May as well. It bums me out but can’t do anything about it.