Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Just like yesterday my day started around blood draw time. Though I was able to sleep until 5:38am today. It was a solid night of sleep without Kevin. I hear “ghost beeps” at times. I spent most of yesterday wallowing. I shouldn’t because I’m here and because I should be grateful there even is a round 2. But I wasn’t – I was sad. I got swept up in the “positivity”. Nurses were telling me that my numbers looked really good. Alli was saying how my numbers looked like they just “bounced back” after being at 2 for so long even with transfusions. Dr C was smiling when he said he was happy with the numbers. Everyone was happy. So I hoped… I really hoped. That’s the thing with hope, it’s wonderful but when it doesn’t go the way you hope the heart ache is just terrible. I’ve spent most of my adult life not hoping, hopeful…but never hoping. The other shoe dropping just hurts me too much.

Funny thing when I first applied to A – I was flown out. I was wined and dined. Put up in a fancy hotel. I hoped. I didn’t get it. I was so disappointed but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Because that road lead me to J. When I looked back now I am grateful for a lot of the “disappointments” as they lead me to meeting people who I absolutely treasure or situations that wouldn’t have happened had the path not changed. Maybe round 2 is my road less traveled. It’s your road less traveled. Let it make all the difference.

I was apart of morning routine yesterday – I’ve missed it. It’s busy and fast pace. Backpack. Sock. Yup…just one and mismatched. Hair. “Eat breakfast”. Brush teeth. Sunblock. Jacket. Lunch. And in that crazy order. I imagine the Leave It to Beaver households. June Cleaver would have her apron squarely on with a full continental breakfast on the table. The children with teeth brushed, hair combed and shirt on correctly (you know not backwards like we’re OPP) and matched socks, sitting at the dining table eating breakfast with fresh squeezed orange juice. Okay maybe that’s super rare in 2023. But what’s about pancakes, scrambled eggs and some milk!? Sometimes “eat breakfast” is a handful of cereal or a half of a banana. I gotta do better. There was a reality show about parenting that I caught an ad to before all this cancer crap happen. The ad had the parents that were organized with an museum like home. My home is constant tornado. Marie Condo – I need you.

7:00am We have YouTube Fridays where I allow my kids to watch useless YouTube Videos before school. Yup, I’m a real winner of a parent. We watched 4 grown men try to outlast one another in a pool of slime. I felt dumber…and had no words after 10 minutes except that I can get that time back. They kids are somewhat organized and ready for school…they head out.

I don’t feel super energetic today. I slept well but I’m tired still. I wouldn’t want to sleep the day away before but realize now sleep is fixing me. So if I am tired now. I sleep. And with that…nap time.