Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

J looked like Santa every time he left room 17. Bags and bags of stuff. Blankets. Pillows. Suitcase. Clothes (that I never did wear – for some reason I thought I needed yoga pants). I did not. I wore my jammies – the entire time. I had 3 jammies in rotation – hygiene check! I was not gross! But clearly when I was admitted to the hospital I had these thoughts that I would write in notebooks, color, read books, do puzzles….I slept lol. I wasn’t bored. I was mostly tired. But J still had to lug all my well intentions back to the car. Sorry J.

Being discharged home was an ordeal. Dr G “the hospitalist” wanted me to meet with a Gall Bladder Surgeon before he would discharge me. I’ve learn “Hospitalist” is a lot like a sales pusher. He’s pushing procedures so the hospital makes money. Lord that man tested all my patience. Then he wanted to remove my PICC line which is what I’ll be using for my second round of chemotherapy. Bro, pick your time cause today is not the day to test me. Today I’m heartbroken which means I’m angry. Poor Nurse C was caught in the middle texting him, relaying what he said, relaying what we said, texting and juggling her other patients. I felt for her and didn’t want to keep putting her in the middle. Finally I said, “I’ll leave AMA if he wants to keep this up. I’m tired and I want to go home now.” At this point I had already exhausted all my emotion and mental energy. He told Nurse C that wouldn’t be necessary that he would put in his notes that he recommended the PICC be removed. My man, I already see the bills you are billing me … I see you. But that’s for another post! Discharge papers in hand. Bye Kevin. Thanks for keeping me alive the last 22 days. I won’t miss you but I am grateful to you. Nurse C wheels out a wheelchair and accompanied me downstairs. It started with her and it was nice to end with her. We chatted as we waited for J to get the car. We hugged one more time. She whispered “You can do this. I know you can. It’s not the news we hoped for but I know you can do it!” I wiped my tears away, nodded to her and got in the car. Waved and we were off.

The drive home was just a blur. J and I made small talk but both of us were not okay. We just tried to fake it for the other person, but we were both heartbroken. Stopped by the pharmacy to pick up the discharge medication and headed home. Home to see my babies. But I had to face them through this heartache. I had to find all my strength to fake this. I had to. Let’s go. They haven’t seen you in 22 days. Get your sh*t together and smile! I opened the door first and said “Hello! hello!” L flew to my arms. He hugged me so gently. I held him as tightly as I could. “Hi baby, I’m home. I’ve missed you so much.” He quietly nodded and cried. S was upstairs watching her iPad and didn’t hear me. Grandma had to get her. She ran down the stairs and wrapped her little arms around me. “Mama.” I smelled the top of her head. I’ve missed that smell.

9:30pm like at the hospital- I got my meds and it was time to sleep. But in my bed. The hospital can keep its ocean view – I can see, hear, smell and hug my babies. I got reloaded with toys and instead of the cat toy that needs to be washed. I have Pooh and a different baby blanket. I’m all for it.

4:22am I’m up to pee. No Kevin. Blood draw is supposed to be at 5:00am. Except nope. I’m home. No meds/vitals at 6:00am. Just awake. The morning light is peaking through my window. I am grateful to be home. I am grateful that I got to do nighttime hugs with my babies. I am grateful to be here, awake.