Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Waiting for the results…sigh. A watched pot never boils? The waiting. I think back to the first bone marrow biopsy and that waiting game. That was a horrible wait. Do I have cancer? When Dr C said “You have AML” – he said it so factually. He did not mince words. And now we wait again – another agonizing wait with a similar question. Do I still have cancer? Does this biopsy show that the chemotherapy worked? Or the chemotherapy didn’t work and I have to do another round? The rabbit hole. I can’t go down the rabbit hole. Nurse L is lovely at leaving me be – but would wish she gave me my medicine regularly. Sweet lady but very scattered.

Alli comes in, the numbers look good but no results from the labs. She starts talking about City of Hope in Duarte. That’s the next part. Are we at the next part already? Did we finish the first part? I zone a little. She’s still talking and I nod. This is Déjà vu. Mhmm..thanks bye. She has no results. Nothing else to remember. Cancer Zzzzzz are no joke. It’s like part narcolepsy, part check out. I was drawing a thank you card for Nurse Iz and I literally just packed it up and napped for 20. Body just said it’s naptime byeee. I obliged like sure this is normal. Dr C comes in to see me in the afternoon. “I have no results yet” he sounds frustrated. He washes his hands in the sink. He turns to me after but I like the numbers. I like the trend. I was go ask “Do I still have cancer!?” But I know that’s the question we are all wanting an answer to. So instead I focus on the numbers he refers to. My platelets for three days just could NOT get above 2. Now I’m 93! My hemoglobin was 8.1 after my transfusion and now they went up to 9.3 without a transfusion. Numbers are good. He checks my lungs and that’s it. See you tomorrow Dr C.

Mama brings dinner, spinach and egg scramble with sliced apples and watermelon. She eats the burger I order from nutrition. She looks hungry. She looks tired and frail. Mama starts to talk about her doctors appointments and Daddy’s doctors appointments. I don’t think I’m keeping up with the conversation really. But I nod and eat my apple slices. She comments the burger is pretty good. She must be hungry. We chat about some randomness and she starts packing up my dinner and water thermoses. Nurse L is late for my meds again. Good grief Nurse C where are you?! I say night to Mama and Nurse L gives me my meds.

Thank GOODNESS I have Nurse Iz tonight. Night nurses are the best. They are just on a different wave. I can’t put my finger on it lol. They just have it together. J joins me around 8. We settle down for a show and then it’s bedtime.

Until now 2:38am 4/19 – Beep beep beep. Kevin! Sigh. I get up to pee, ok slightly awake but also slight not. Still waiting. Even now.