Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I missed the morning sunrise as I found myself getting pulled into sleep. Even after Nurse R woke me to take blood. I was tired. I found energy didn’t come easy to me this morning. So I let it be and slept. I try not to dream (not that it’s a preventable thing) but I try not to think about too much. Just listening to my own heartbeat and tapping the kitty toy animal to that sound as if it were S. I try not to think to much also because then I start to miss those kids to much that sadness overwhelms me.

1:09pm – It’s time for the biopsy. The last biopsy was too disintegrated to get an analysis from the pathologist. So this is my repeat. I’m trying not to be anxious. Trying to stay focused on positivity. But after three days of not being able to get my platelets above 2 starts to open up rabbit holes for me to jump through. What if? That’s probably one of the worst questions in the world. I don’t like “What if” at all. One step at a time. One step. One step. Stop!

It’s happening again. I’m in the waiting area of radiology and I want to nap.

Nurse wakes me up, it’s time. I get wheeled into the CT Room. Same routine. Oxygen. Lay on stomach, head slightly to the right. We’re going to sample the left side. Does that matter? Another voice, I’m going to push a light sedative. Mhmm. Cold – I’m prepping and marking the area. Click. Click. Ouch. Click. Click. Ouch. The meds need to kick in sooner. Click. Pinch. Click. Done. They give me a minute to gather my senses and go back to my bed and wheel me up.

Nurse L is extremely busy I guess. No one hooks me back up to my antibiotics or IV. I’m too groggy to push the button. The transporter took the blanket and pillow he transported me with. So I’m laying on a bare bed. This is kinda sad but the fentanyl hits so good I just nap. J walks in at some point as I wake up with a blanket. When I wake up he just shakes his head “They just left you on the bed like that?” Eh, I made it back to the correct room. Let’s lower our expectations.

Nurse L was no where to be found for a few hours, J changed my sheets and blankets. Nurse R is my night Nurse, I always find comfort in that! I get my cup of meds from her. Eat some apple slices and watermelon pieces from Mama. The rest of the evening was quiet and boring. Dr C likes boring and so do I. Muster up my remaining energy and set up J’s work computer. Then is time for bed.