Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

One day at a time…

Spa Birthday

The last few birthdays have been devastating to me. I lost Charlie in my arms at home two years ago on April 3rd – I was a zombie. After 17 years – a piece of my heart went away with him. Last year I waited patiently by the orchid I was given by F for signs of Charlie. I was anxious and afraid he wouldn’t come back. Totally rational. When he did. I cried. This year he bloomed ahead of me going to the hospital. Maybe it’s completely unrelated but I feel it’s my connections so I choose to live in that reality.

Charlie
Charlie’s Orchid

The marine layer is still super thick this morning. Though I slept through the night and the nurses caught the end of meds before Kevin beeped, there were no bubble freak outs. I slept. I feel somewhat like a human. S messaged me today, hurt my heart to hear she doesn’t know what to say to me. What do you say? How are you? 😂 I get it!! How are you just seems…ugh. So I told her… I want the tea (spill it all), I want the workplace drama, I want the husband drama, I want the otter memes, dog memes…anything but cancer. Who wants to talk about cancer. I sure don’t.

6:34am

Mama is insisting on buying a birthday cake to celebrate at the hospital. I don’t think it’s necessary but whatever makes her happy. But because I’m also petty AF – the SideCar Donuts will stay in my room to be handed to my favorite nurses and the Dunkin can be given to the masses. Especially Donna. She doesn’t get a good donut lol. Tea Time: Donna returned an egg crate that I asked to be ordered for J. She said it was too dirty and because of my low immunity it would be dangerous. Girl, I’ve been sleeping on an egg crate for 14 days, should I get a fresh one then – on the DAILY? Then she said I would have to pay for it. I said okay. Then she said it was against hospital policy for her to order J an egg crate but she could order him an air mattress. Donna……Karen! Let’s not play games please. So I don’t have the warms fuzzies for Donna.

I’m hopeful today will be a better tummy day and energy day. No transfusion today. Tomorrow likely to drop under threshold for both hemoglobin and platelet – but today I get a little break. IV and antibiotics only.

Nurses brought me a birthday cake
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About Me

Hello, my name is Nina. I am a mother, wife, daughter and friend. I am lover of country music, & 80’s love ballad. I love me some karaoke! I identify as hot mess mom. I get it wrong, all the time. On the rare occasions I get it right? Even I’m shocked.

I am a working professional in the field of Compliance. I am mother two, daughter to immigrant parents, wife to a “redneck” – and proud of it, sister-in-law to the two most incredible human beings I have ever met and a niece that is just so cool but doesn’t know it.

I work too hard and play too little. I’ve always focus on the wrong thing and never quite sure if I’m ever enough. I grew up on the East Coast and was a latchkey kid in the 80’s and 90’s – I dodged the sketchy people on the walk home and tried not to end up on a milk carton.

I went to a very privileged Boarding School on the East Coast and college after that. (So yeah that’s exactly why this journal will be riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. On the days I feel good, I’ll type it out. On the days I don’t feel good it’ll be voice to text. I can not be held liable for the things Siri puts in as my “voice”. ) Graduated on a Friday and started Fleet Bank on a Saturday. I hustled my way through the midnight shift at DHL and hustled and hustled and hustled. I knew nothing except the hustle. (As I said, I’m a hot mess mom).

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