Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Yesterday was not my finest hour. I was sluggish, tired and so so foggy. It required so much effort to focus and concentrate. I couldn’t communicate fast enough, couldn’t think or react. WTF? Am I stroking out? Dr Google notes there are some permanent effects to chemotherapy – ability for balance, physical disability, chronic pains and speech. I panicked. The cloudy slowness of it all was so unbearable – I would repeat myself over and over. I would drift in the middle of a sentence and forget the word I was trying to use. I would pause to find the word I wanted to use. I couldn’t tell J things I wanted or needed without just tearing. I was stuck in my own brain but my brain wasn’t moving. It was just BLAH. My motor functions were slow, J had to lift me to a seated position to help me get up. Omfg!! Work with me brain! It was this semi catatonic limbo. No Satan! No! Wake up Nina, get a freaking grip. C’mon restart. Think. Think. Think. But all day was just blank. Just blank.

My mom hasn’t visited since chemotherapy ended as she and my Dad have both been sick. And getting to Nadir increase my odds of infections. But being that I couldn’t communicate effectively J asked her to come stay with me so he could run home. Alli came by and said somethings to me. I couldn’t focus so just nodded. I had trouble “pushing the gas” with my foot and “pulling away from her”. I had trouble squeezing her fingers as well. I was tried. They were confident it was the hemoglobin loss but wanted to rule out brain bleeds since I am bleeding internally somewhere (slow bleed). MRI was ordered. And as coincidence always happens; moment J left – MRI transport came to get me. Nurse C stayed with me because only she could put a thing in my picc line. So the dye they would inject in me to light up my brain would have to be done by her. Since there’s no more mask order; everyone is just rolling as usual. Some nurses and staff wear it – some don’t. My MRI tech didn’t. I asked to keep mine on. They rolled me on to a board, gave me ear plugs and a squeezed ball if I needed their attention. After working for Philips for 15 years – I was disappointed to see SEIMENS 😝. MRI buzzed, beeped, buzzed, beeped. I tried to think of songs, favorite piano pieces I played, musicals I enjoyed. And then it was dye time. Nurse C told me she was injecting me and back in I went for another round of buzz, beep, buzz.

Stomach is killing me. Before, after and during eating. Just breathe. It’s fine. Two pee hats now. Um…I need some instructions please? I pee in one and poop in the other…. And nurses collect the specimen. I need to hug all the nurses, except the one that was giving an extra needle prick – he is bad! There’s blood in my stool. That’s also contributing to my transfusions resulting in declining stats. Dr T came in super excited advocating for a endoscope to find the bleed and plug it. He said he would consult with the GI Doc and it would be a quick procedure. J had many questions but I couldn’t keep up and checked out. The back and forth was too much. The GI Doc came by and told Mom and I after the MRI – she would not be scoping me with a platelet count of 7.

The remainder of the day was just that slow and blank. Trapped.

By 9:00pm last night I was back! Hemoglobin was at 9.8. I was back, talking, answering, thinking!! Then they gave me Ambien to sleep and it was lights out until Kevin woke me up at 3:00am this morning. Why Kevin? I’m back now…you need to play games now?! Beep this! There was some kink in the hose and he was unhappy.

8:00am I’m back in action! Thoughts are flowing. Going to spend the morning looking through the binoculars and watch the waves, dolphins and maybe people watch.