Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

4:42am Kevin now Chad for the day… he punked me. He beeped to wake me up and then stopped beeping when Nurse Z walked in. WTF! Are you kidding me? I said the naming situation was fluid and I’m grateful you beeped to alert that I wasn’t actually connected to chemo…I also need sleep man. Keep it together Kevin/Chad!! I woke up at 12:56am because I had to pee…again clearly not learned my lesson that I need to control water intake. I did not blame shift; I owned my own mistake. But 4:00am…. I hate you right now Chad. (Chad was my manager for 6 months…we’ll leave it at that). So how do I change this for a positive? I’m grumpy and I’m tired. I have another hour or so until the sun warms my room. It’s just dark right now, hopefully everyone who should be sleeping IS.

In my haze my 5:33am update got deleted. It was dark and moody…and honest and raw for that moment. I was struggling with looking at myself in the mirror this morning. The room was cold and dark. I was self-hating and wondering if I could truly be honest with myself. I asked myself – “Why do you chase after the career?” I answered: Ego, prestige and self-worth. I only feel worthy if I did a good job a work, cracked a problem, helped a team with a new system, saved a few million for a multi-billion dollar company. I am pathetic. I have been chasing the WRONG things. I go so into my self-hatred this morning I just numbed myself by going on Instagram. This was the second Reel I came across- “The great thing about life is – it’s always your next move. It’s always your next move that counts. It doesn’t matter, you can change your life if you want to. It’s always your next decision. – Chazz Palminteri.” Clearly living in Orwells 1984, I shut it down but just let those words flow through for a minute. I don’t want to chase this hustle of the career. Like the flight attendants say, put your OWN mask on first then help others.

12:35pm – After my wallowing in self-pity I had breakfast and got the logistics of my Short Term Disability done. I actually wrote “I gotta do my STD” and it made me laugh – which was enough to refocus me this morning. The sun is finally pushing through and it’s slowly bathing my room. I disinfected my room today and had my prune juice. Operation Poop: Nada. M texted me and said “You’re not a Hot Mess, your a Spicy Disaster!” That I am lol. That I am. I’m chasing after laughter, that’s my decision for today.