Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

After my 5:00am blood draw and vitals I was able to take a little nap and slept in until 7:30am right at shift change. Nurse Iz wouldn’t be back until Monday. I have Nurse J today. She’s not as warm as Nurse C or Iz or R – but I found out last night that this floor isn’t just oncology. It’s also hospice. I can’t imagine how these Nurses feel. Their voice is the the last thing these families hear announcing the departure of their loved one. How do you not stay at a distance? How could you not wall at bit of your heart away. Because we are human, and we care – so what happens when Nurses care and the patient dies? That can’t be east to face on a daily basis. So I realize, I have to be more gentle and more kind. I need to ask about their day and ask if they have had lunch. I need to give them care and grace. Because it can not be easy being in their shoes.

I had a wonderful visit with L today – not my baby, but a friend named L. Hey protecting the innocent means repeating letters. There’s only 26 letters in the alphabet. L is a gentle woman, I didn’t get much of an opportunity to solidify the friendship before I got sick. She’s a full time working mom as well and our schedules were just chaotic. But I always wanted that closeness to her. I just felt drawn to her gentle nature. She offered to visit to my surprise, and I said sure no pressure. Cause let’s be real, this isn’t exactly the highlight of anyone’s weekend to go sit in a hospital room and chat it up with a person who is having a blood transfusion and chemotherapy at the same time. 10/10 would NOT recommend on a Saturday. But she sat with me for almost 3+ hours, just chatting and eating her breakfast burrito breakfast. I watched the way she gently ate her burrito and the grace she moved when she sipped her coffee or shifted in her seat. Like a ballerina a moving art. Conversation was easy, not forced. We could sit in silence also something I don’t have with many people. It was a lovely morning.

I got a second dose of prune laxative in hopes SOMETHING would move out already. Operation Poop: DENIED. I can’t even think about the poop without some level of anxiety that I’m going to feel the go and get into a straight up cord fight with Kevin and end up just pooping everywhere – complete sh*t show literally and figuratively. Zero dignity. Keep it together Kevin, that’s not what we’re here for! You keep me alive and I don’t toss your as* out the 8th floor. OMG please don’t let me poop over the floor. Daily laxatives, colace and senna – lord have mercy if I sh*t the floor!

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Simmer down Kevin! Keep it together bro! My stats dipped down a little too much and Kevin freaked everyone out. Blood pressure went down and oxygen level dipped a little too much that Kevin couldn’t handle it. All is fine. Stop beeping Kevin!!! So much drama with this guy.

I walked the Zen Garden with G today and saw her beautiful sanctuary as well as Seymore which is not a Venus fly trap but a Jade plant. But she liked the name and that’s that! Our conversation got cut short with Beeping Kevin and the Chemotherapy swap. Pretty busy day for sure. J is on his way over, I am excited to see him. In fact he is parking right now! I wanted him to have the morning to unwind and just take a break from me. I can’t imagine how he feels looking at me in a hospital bed with IVs out of my arm. That can’t be easy to see. So a little break from me is good for him too. It recharges his batteries and gives me a moment to breathe.

J is here with me. Just resting and recharging in his presence. Showered, pits, ti*s and as*. Clean enough!