Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

My relationship with my mother has never been as easy one. Long before the book “Battle Hymns of a Tiger Mother” was written Amy Tan wrote the “Joy Luck Club” and described the ‘two kinds’ of daughters: those who are obedient and those who follow their own mind. It’s easy to guess I was the one who followed their own mind. While I had the obedient qualities, I was always set in following my own mind – hence why I own that I am a hot mess. Today Kevin was quite, I woke up once to something loud on the iPad (my own fault) and then at 4:00am I was peeing like it was the Kentucky Derby. I can call the nurses in to start taking vitals and blood, but instead I finished up my work LOA and summited my 5 weeks of banked vacation. A little louder for those in the back… yup 5 weeks vacation. 255 hours. 255 hours I could have spent with my children’s’ laughter and hugs. 255 hours I could have been doing anything besides making sure A got to B. SMH. What a waste. I now spend 255 hours fighting to live in a hospital far from my children. This of course makes me angry, so angry at myself for being such a shi*t mom and not taking my kids…anywhere!

So before calling in the cavalry to take my blood and vitals as well as angrily cashing out 255 hours of vacation. I sent my niece a birthday text along with a photo of the moon from my window. She may not be related by blood but I love her as much own. My children are spending Spring Break with my brother-in-law and sister. I’m grateful they have my children while I finish chemotherapy. Blood doesn’t make you family. I have learned this over and over again. Blood makes you related. I don’t how much I can unpack between my relationship with my mother and myself. She did the best she could under the circumstances. She really did. And for that I am grateful and tolerant of her very strict and very traditionally ideologies. That’s why I have chosen a different way to raise my children. Good or bad, I too am doing the best I can under my circumstances. Aren’t most mothers doing just that? The best their can under their circumstances?

In the world of Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In” – I thought, yes, I could have it all. But I personally can’t. Maybe others can…but not this shi*t show. My struggle bus is just try to put pants on. My standards are much much MUCH lower than that of Sheryl Sandberg. If my pants were on (and by pants…I’m talking the stretchy ones only. Since Covid I don’t wear structured pants unless it’s a fancy event like Chili’s!) and the kids had breakfast and got to school on time. There should be a book called “Just Keeping It Together” – because that’s what I’m capable of doing and at minimum.

My mother and I will never see eye to eye; but that’s okay. We don’t have to. I just have to understand she comes with love. That’s enough. I’ve been on the cancer train since Dr C walked into the CCU on the evening of 3/20/23 with my pre-diagnoses – (11 days) and a confirmed diagnoses on 3/21/2023 (10 days). I’ve only been processing this cancer for 10 days. Holy fuc*k . I don’t know what the hell I’m doing but living for every kindness. Every wave. Every hello. It’s the best that I can do under my circumstances.