Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

At 4:52am Frank decided to alert again Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Are you kidding me? It’s 4:45am. What the hell are you beeping about now? There’s a kink in the hose “Beep! Beep! “Stopped” Beep Beep. OMFG. I’m going to end you stupid machine!!! Okay okay… I’ll press the help button already. Hello Nurses’ station? I respond with complete calmness Frank is beeping again and may be thrown out the window shortly!” I send death stares his way. Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep This! I’ve lost it, I’m arguing with an IV machine.

It was rather quickly that Nurse I rushed in to reset Kevin formerly know as Frank. Another kinked hose. I’m going to kink all his hoses and toss him out the 8th floor window. Who’s got a blowtorch!! Tar and Feather!!! After 4:45am no meds to take just watching light glow from the ocean. Blood and vitals will be soon. I let my mind drift, in and out of my regrets and blessings. Trying to let go of regrets and hold on to blessings. Just trying to wave though my heart like a gentle needle – not poking anything or peeling back any scabs. Just a visitor.

They say a picture says 1000 words well here it is

This is where we are at now. The new indignity. Mission poop has still not been completed. I’m afraid. Will all the colace, miralax, and senna in me the last 48 hours I’m going to reenact the poop scene from Bride’s Maid. The poop train is coming… to add insult to injury…Today is also blood transfusion day. My hemoglobin levels are dropping rapidly which is not abnormal but to make sure I don’t just die…blood transfusions, antibiotics and steroids. The fear creeps in, I’m on the decline – but then I know this is supposed to happen. The anxiety starts knocking. I don’t like that. I’d rather focus on the poop train that is pulling into the station. Choo Choo.

M came to visit me today – I was a surprise for sure. I have missed her and the friendship. Does it really need cancer to change your perspective? Does it take cancer to make you see what is worth it and what isn’t? I’ve been traveling through that lately, as I said – weaving in and out of the regrets and blessings in my heart. Just looking, observing, mourning…trying to make peace. I’m not saying I’m giving up, but I am letting go because I can’t carry that in my heart while I try to live. So I sail through the guilt and regret – then I speak to each, again without pulling the scab. I loved you when you were in my life and I wish you the best for the rest of yours. I’ve missed you, the laughs, the tears and the hugs. I try to remember the best memory and move on to the next. Then I stop by a blessing, oh those are so good. When G called me to meet her for Galentine’s Day. The fact that she didn’t disown me but was patient with me and kept her heart opened to me. I stay a little longer at the blessings, soaking it in. Those blessing fuels me to keep gliding through.