Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

It’s a gloomy day today, the rain and the clouds are coming down steadily. I like it actually. It’s like a washing away. Mother Nature is purifying the ground; washing away the dirt, pollen, debris – it washes away the mistakes, regrets, pain and sorrow. And there is a lot of that to wash away. Mistakes I made a PLENTY. Instead of being brave, I hid my first pregnancy because I didn’t have job security. My old boss would make comments when women at the office got pregnant.
“There goes another one.” So when I was pregnant with L I stayed quiet. I gave birth to L on a Sunday and went back to work on Monday like nothing happened. I answered my emails, took my calls and finished my projects as if it were just another day. I bonded with my baby because I was remote and rest assure I took the time to pump and feed him, but I hid him like a dirty secret. I did the same for S. I took 3 days PTO since she was born on a Tuesday. I went to work the following Monday as if nothing happened. As if I didn’t just have my stomach cut opened and delivered a child. So many mistakes. Leaving the children in their crib to cry it out as I hid in a closet to take a meeting. Waiting to change a very visible BLUE line on a diaper because I had a conference call. So many many regrets and shame. Because in my discipline – I felt less than. I felt I couldn’t compare. So I sacrificed to secure my job.

At least that’s the hope. I’m hoping all of it can get washed away before I start chemo. Today has not been the best of mornings. I didn’t sleep well last night, the Ativan lasted 3 hours and I was left counting tiles on the ceiling. I even had my sleepy time music on. I’ve been using the healing mhz for a minute – good it did me.

1:05pm The sun is shining over the Pacific Ocean. I can see the horizon again. It’s beautiful. The rain has ended and it’s sunny and bright – I start chemo now. The bag is hanging on the IV pole and is going in my picc line. Lunch arrived at the same time. I have grilled tofu and steamed veggies. I’m going to eat while I feel good as I know darker moments lay in the future. I haven’t always done this, but cancer has now gifted me a new perspective on food. Feed your body what it needs to heal. Feed your body well. Feed it with sights that are beautiful. Feed it with smells that warm your soul. Feed it with music that can teleport you from memory to memory. Feed it well.