Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip by drip this poison is going into by body. Initially I imagines it like gel bleach coating the bathtub eating away at dirt and grime. I feel like my imagination is off. But then I think of this entering my blood like an navy seal team unit destroying everything – it’s an all out blood war. (I think I’ve watched too much SWAT). I’m getting too heady. Oof. This is making me tired. Like tired tired.

4:30pm I had to send J home. While he is physically here, but he is not present. It feels like he is just serving his time and quite frankly he’s better off home with the children than just sitting here on the couch with me. He is better off getting a quick football throwing session with L or a quick coloring lesson from S. Sitting with me just seems wasteful. I realize his job in someway is harder, as a caregiver-he just runs back and forth. He wants to be home and here with me. The children and I truly just have to take care of ourselves. The splitting of his time also makes me question — when does he takes a break? Work. Home. Shower. Pick up food for me. Hospital. Quick chat. Help me shower. Help me pee. Help me get a walk in. Quick chat. Refill my water. Love you buy. Home. Pick up kids. Both pushing for time with him. Kids fight. He’s referee. Dinner? In-N-Out, okay go. In the car, go. Wait in line, thinks he’s going to miss having dinner with me, frustrated. Orders, S says “Can I have a hat and hot chocolate- It’s raining and free?” He’s irritated “You couldn’t have ask for this before we got to the pick up window” S quietly says, “Sorry Daddy. I dont need the hat or hot cocoa anymore.” Guilt. Asks for the hat and cocoa at the pick up window. Time is ticking. Fu*k he missed dinner with me. Home, go. Eat. Kids laughing and talking. J eats quickly and calls my mother to come over and stay with kids. He needs to go to the Hospital. Tells the kids to focus on eating and that he’s leaving to see me. He refills my thermos with hot water. Awww Mom arrives. Quick hi. He tells kids not to mess around, shower after dinner, finish homework. Bedtime is 8:30pm. He’ll be back around 10pm. In the car, go. Hospital, park. 8th Fl… knock knock opens door hey babe. I’m asleep. He woke me up. “Fu*k. Sorry I didn’t know” J says to me. “All good, Hi! I’ve missed you”

Je t’aime plus que ma vie. – when I first heard this in Twilight it imprinted on me (yup another reference) but I read the novels first. It contemplated that quote and how I felt about it. What it meant to me. How it applied to me. I live for them. I hustle for them. I want them to have more and better. I fell I have missed the point completely. More than my own life… give you more than I had? Give you more that what I experienced? Love you more than myself? I need more time on this one to unravel.

4:19am – I had been given an Ambien 0.5 at 10:30pm but I had already fallen asleep. I take 6mg of Lorazepam at home. Sleep is so import for chemotherapy. It’s a must. I got in about 5 hours. Isn’t great but they have to do vitals every 4 hours and you can wheel and deal for a 10-5 split. Vitals, blood are a must it’s drawn every 12 hours. No exceptions.

5:01am. I’m going to walk a few laps before shift change. I feel semi rested and I want to walk to get moving for me.