Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I’m watching the people drive home from work now. It is like little ants, running up and down the ant hill. Everyone is hustling. Going about their day to day. My two favorite nurses just popped in: Nurse R and Nurse C. Such a wonderful, kind gracious people; my cup truly is full. It’s a funny thing to lose and gain during cancer. And it’s easy to focus on all the things you lose, or stand to lose. And I can list those for hours and hours. Because cancer is a death sentence..it’s loss wrapped up in a picc line. I’m no Pollyanna positive, but I know that I have gained during cancer as well. I have gained kindness from complete strangers, genuine conversation, and introspection that I didn’t know I had. Sitting here, watching the sunset over the Pacific Ocean I am full of gratitude. The funny thing is, I don’t know what I’m grateful for lol I just feel grateful. That should be enough, right?

Sure I can be grateful for the fact that I am still here. I’m grateful my children are fed tonight. I’m grateful that my mother took two connecting flights to be by my side from New York. I’m grateful my husband has a job that is willing to give him the flexibility to come and stay with me. I’m grateful for my job to give me the time to get settled and start filing the necessary paperwork without stripping my insurance or pay in the meantime. But that’s not what I feel grateful for. I feel grateful for the bubbles that I got to play with L on Friday. I feel grateful for the smell of his hair that still lingers on his squishy toy. I feel grateful for S’s baby blanket that I get to wrap around me tonight. I feel grateful for my mother safely flying cross country to be with me. I feel grateful for K, heavily pregnant, sending over a hot water heater so that I would always have water in my room. I’m grateful for friends that text me and check in on me during their busy days. I’m grateful for a meal train that will help J in the next coming weeks to get the children fed. Grateful for a Principal that will let S sit in the office until her brother gets out of school so that J doesn’t have to rush after work to pick her up. I’m grateful for kindness, and I’m grateful that cancer has given me the ability to recognize kindness.