Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

Monday March 20 2023….I’ve heard of “Horses not Zebras” – but I don’t think it was ever actually used in conversation with me. I understood but don’t think I “understood”

Blood blood and more blood. A new doctor came in with a badge that was from a department I didn’t want anything to do with…”oncology”… ugh. No thanks. He introduced himself and said the words “Acute Leukemia”

Wait, what about the horses? Sir my mouth and gums hurt. What about the infection in my mouth? Can we put a pin on this leukemia crap and address my infection? He kept talking his medical jargon- I phased out after leukemia and starting thinking of my children’s socks for our Spring Break trip to NY. We were leaving on 3/31 and flying cross county to see my Mom. We have a trip to take the train to Niagara and well it would be butt cold. I packed ski pants for them but I think only one pair of wool socks. OMG he’s still talking. I asked if I could call J. He said it would be all right and that he would repeat himself. I think he was annoyed or maybe I was annoyed…I don’t know. J got on the phone and Dr C repeated himself. Unfortunately the connection wasn’t amazing and J caught every other word.

Timing is a funny thing. When I need J, he’s not there. It’s not a dig – just a funny and sometimes frustrating reality. He went to get food or let Yogi out or something … nope he went to pick up the children. That’s when I got my cancer diagnosis. Alone in the CCU of Hoag Hospital. Biopsy was next – needed more tests to confirm. Blood shows elevated white blood count and no absolute neutrophil count – I had to GTS (google that sh*t) to figure out what the proper naming. “Do you have any other questions? Do you understand me?” Dr C is still talking … crap. “Um…so the mouth infection? More antibiotics?” He looked at me. Stoic. “It’s not an infection.” I looked back. Lights on but clearly no one home. “So, I have cancer?” He responded, slightly softer. “Based on the blood work, it appears to be and we will know more after the biopsies.”

No infection. Cancer. There’s a plot twist. Who would have seen that come into light? Certainly not me. Even now, has it hit me? Not so much. I’m here but not. I sat with this until J came back from picking up the kids. I are the sh*t out of a bread pudding J brought me. Syrup and all. It was soft. It was sweet. The ENT cleared me to eat, and that was cancer meal. Some steak cubes, pasta and a spinach and cheese empanada – but the ENTIRE bread pudding. Diabetics take the wheel. My number was 370 in the morning… oh yeah and I am newly diagnosed as a diabetic as of three months ago. When it rains, it pours right?

Tuesday March 21 – Biopsies were a little nerve racking – I had a CT scan prior to look at the swelling in my throat but this was a lot more people and I laid on my stomach. Click click click – that’s all I really heard. Click click click. I flipped over for the neck. Ouch! Pinch…I reached out to hold someone’s arm. It was warm. I held it. They let me. Pinch…click click click. Another, deep breath…ouch. Fu*k. I squeezed his hand. Click click click. Done.

Back to the CCU. J went home to let Yogi out and shower. He missed it. The eco-cardio gram and the biopsy. Everyone says they are going to be with you every step of the way. And they mean well they really do, but you walk this road alone. It’s not a bad thing but it is a thing. The support and love starts all hot and heavy but this is very much a singular road. I’m not mad at it at all. I know reality. People have lives. People continue to carry on. This is a fight you face alone – sure J and my parents will visit. Maybe some of my friends will too. Maybe we’ll FaceTime – but the truth, the non-snowflake We will fight cancer! You do this alone. I’m acutely aware of this and that’s where the mental mindset is for me. I’m going to charge my battery with all the love and jazz now – but when I go in, it’s a solo act.

Shortly after the biopsy I was transferred from the CCU to another hospital, oncology floor. Everyone here has the big C. (Well not everyone cause there are people who are just regular sick in the beds on the floor but the majority – we have the big old C). The bed is NOT as comfortable as HH. The room is smaller. But I have a electrical outlet close, and I wait. I eat lunch and wait. Nurse comes in. Hello I’m your nurse, hello… wait. More people come in. Say hi. It’s always the question…”How are you?” I’ve been answering “I have cancer!” It throws people. I don’t mean to be an as* but I don’t know how to answer that except with I have cancer… I’m okay one minute and falling apart the next. I don’t know how I am. I have cancer and I feel crazy.

The night was rough. J was allowed to stay with me. I was grateful. He got a cot. It was NOT comfortable. I wasn’t comfortable either. The bed was super awful and my back and neck hurt. It all just hurt. I started to google. Lord if that’s not about the worse thing to do at 3am. I couldn’t sleep. Everything was hurting. Nurse R came in at 4. I was crying. I sobbed It hurts. I would like medicine please. She gently scolded me not to hide my pain from her. Pain meds in, sleep.

Wednesday March 22. Alli is Dr C’s nurse – I would call her A but then I would have to bold it and that’s not worth the ROI and RN A is again a lot of effort. Maybe I say ONA (Oncology nurse A). Whatever. Alli it is. Alli saw me in the morning. Based on my numbers I can’t go home. Ugh. That sucks. J is upset. I’m crying. Dr H (another doctor she’s an Internal Med Doc in the Oncology wing). She texts. Type type type. J questions “Are we starting treatment today? If her numbers aren’t good enough to go home, are we starting treatment? Otherwise are we just holding her here to monitor her? Let her see her children.” The phone rings. I tell Dr H – she says pick up. It’s Alli. I can go home. I have to get my blood drawn daily but I can go home. Thank you Dr H. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I hug her in tears. I can go home.