Battle Hymns of a Hot Mess Mom

I immediately ask J to drive me to school so I can pick them up. It’s early our day anyway. S is mad I picked her up early, she was at the end of her writing assignment. L has a big old smile cause let’s face it he hates school. We head home! We are home!

We watch TV that night and snuggle. L gets to sleep in bed with J and I. It’s… awful. He kicks me, slaps me… I sleep closer and closer to J. He has 3/4 of this Cal King. But whatever I love feeling his warm arms near mine.

S wants to go to school. There is a popsicle party. This is not something she wants to miss! L asks if he can play March Madness and be picked up at 10:45. Of course. I’m tired anyways. I drop them off after making very emotional banana pancakes for them. The fear creeps in every now and then. Is this my last time doing this? Will they remember me? Who will do this when I’m gone? Oof. I gotta shut that sh*t out. THAT right there is my weakness. That’s what’s going to hurt me during treatment. That fear. That will end me. Game over. It’s not staying positive and having support. It’s pushing that fear out and keeping it out.

Bloodwork drawn. Nurse K was lovely though she had to stick me twice to get blood. Nurse A was lovely – just wonderful. She said Dr C was the best. She worked for him. She said Dr C was a amazing doc. Bedside manner wasn’t his thing. He’s good at what he does. I need that. Coming from one anal retentive great at their job person… I’d rather you be damn good at your job. I don’t really care if you’re kind.

Spoke to the school about the kids and that I was going in. S told her teacher I was in the hospital so the teacher has already started to inquire. Principal was gracious enough to let S sit in the front office until L got out of school. They can go home together that way. It’s 45 minutes but it’s enough to not have J rush home to pick up S.

L and I went to Panera and got his favorite – broccoli cheddar and Mac/cheese. It looks like baby bird vom – but whatever floats his boat lol. I felt tired afterwards. He said he could shower and we could snuggle and watch the Rookie. I said okay. We watched one episode and as I drifted to sleep – he cried himself to sleep in my arms.

He was still snoring when I left to pick up S. I wanted to walk. It was nice out and I wanted to have this memory. I saw my neighbor – she could tell something was wrong. She’s so wonderful to my kids. I let the words out “I have leukemia” and she cried and gave me a lift to the school as we talked. She was in shock. Heck I’m still in shock. She hugged me and said I could do it. She saw S before I did. I exited her car and thanked her for the ride. I wanted to walk home with my baby girl. She had a dance party and won me a pair of light up glasses. They are blue. I’ll be taking them to chemo with me.

The walk was long and tough. I was tired. She showered as well and snuggled with me. She fell asleep for the remainder of the night. My children don’t really nap anymore. They used to but since elementary they have stopped napping. It wasn’t normal for L to nap nor was it normal for S to nap all night. They may not know but their little bodies know. Something is changing. Something is coming.

Friday March 24. J, L and I went to the secret garden after we dropped off S for her pizza party at school and I was done with another blood draw. The e-bike ride was nice except I was a passenger. I was tired but it was a perfect springish day. J put music on and I held on to him while L rode his bike. He didn’t complain. He just pushed on the bike trail. At one point he lost his shoe (they are still a bit big on him) and he was tying his shoes. I bent down to tie them. He didn’t need help. But he let me tie is other foot. I haven’t tied his shoes in a long time. I shed a tear but wasn’t going to let this ruin my day. We had to get to the secret garden. It’s a stretch of bike trail that is flooded with flowers, bushes and trees. When it blooms it smells amazing!! I have told L I was going to take him for a minute but either it was too late or the weather wasn’t perfect. SoCal has gotten its share of rain this year.

When we made it. J took photos of us. And then photos of the three of us. We played with bubbles while L screamed and laughed that he couldn’t fight off the bubbles fasted enough. J showed us pollen in the trees. He flicked the branch and the entire tree lit up like a fart cloud. Not the best way to describe such a pretty moment but that was what I thought. The tree just farted. But it sure was pretty.

Back to Panera for lunch after picking up S. Then home. Movie and more snuggles. This time S was in bed and L on the flood. S slept sideways. She’s normally the best to sleep next to but not Friday night. She fell off the bed then slept horizontally.

Saturday March 25. Beach day. Except it didn’t start off great. J was on a path of cleaning. Snapped at me when I sat down to eat oatmeal. I went upstairs because L was still sleeping and S was watching her iPad. I laid down with S for a bit. She went down to eat breakfast and J snapped at her for leaving things all over. “If you didn’t pick it up I’m throwing it out!” He was not having a good day. L woke up shortly afterwards and got snapped at too. I laid in bed until I could feel the tensions between J and L. I had to get up out of bed. Fu*k I was tired. J is picking up his frustrations I can hear it. Get UP Nina. Get up! I see L at the bottom of the stairs with laundry on the floor that he’d thrown over to wash. J was frustrated at him. I walked down the stairs and gently pushed J to the laundry room. “Stop my love, I only have a few more days before I go to the hospital. Please. I know you’re scared. I know you’re angry. Let’s have a good day.” That was all the energy I had. My legs and back hurt. I was dizzy. I needed to sit down.

We made it to the beach but it was a trek! Oof. But we made it. Kids laughed and dug in the sand. It was windy but I didn’t mind. I watched as S did hand stands. L carried S into the ocean. I laid with J. It was good. Actually it was great. We talked about dinner and had another “me too” moment. Throughout our marriage we’ve had these moments where one says “I was thinking x” and the other person saying “Omg I was thinking the same thing!!” and we sarcastically rib the other with “Oh really? Me too!” Because it happens so freaking often but we are total opposites. So it’s really weird when we’reon the same wave.

What wave? Homemade ceviche. We packed up the beach day and headed to the store where everyone was excited for me to ride the cart. Sigh. The indignity. Every time I beeped going backwards the kids were thrilled. The price of cancer is the joy in the kids eyes riding the shopping cart. SMH. They did laugh a lot and have a good time lol.

And now we’re all caught up. I was really tired last night and passed out around 10:30p. I woke up at 6:00am to pee and been writing for two hours. It’s 8:00am. I’m going to close my eyes for a little longer with J.